A/N: I’m taking a leap of faith by posting this. The chapter is short, but intense, dark and extremely graphic (and not in an NC-17 or violent sense). I’m warning you. If you start to get to the upsetting part and think that you’re not going to be able to handle it, I’m begging you, please don’t put yourself through it. Putting my pain into my writing has helped me heal... and I know that the pain is really evident in this particular chapter. I’m not trying to upset you, I’m trying to depict life as real as it is at its worst points. That being said, please be aware of your emotions as you read. The last thing that I want to do is deeply hurt someone...

The light of the stars shone through the window into the darkened room. She wrapped the blanket more tightly around her frail body, protecting herself. From what she did not know. She couldn’t sleep, the memory of the day filling her mind. Courtney had barely spoken to Jason since Michael had asked his fateful question. They had dropped Michael off and come straight home. She had dropped her keys onto the table, refusing to look him in the eyes, and headed upstairs to the quietness of her room. And now alone, she felt restless and useless. After tossing and turning for what seemed like days, but couldn’t have been more than an hour, Courtney had pulled the curtains away from the window and had stared out into the sky. There were millions of tiny stars that filled the endless night, but she didn’t want to look at them. She wanted to be in the darkness and shut off the light that was trying to find her. Sighing, she pulled the curtains together and flopped back onto the bed. She closed her eyes, hoping that the sleep would come, or maybe instead, the dreams would.

Suddenly aware of the screams that filled his ears, Jason bolted out of bed. He yanked the door open and flew down the hallway, stumbling over an empty laundry basket as he went.

“Courtney!” he said, shaking her awake the moment that he reached her side. Her eyes flew open and she sat up quickly. Tears fell down her cheeks as she continued shaking, though the screaming had stopped. Jason took the blonde beauty in his arms and gingerly ran his fingers through her hair. She tried to stifle the sobs that escaped from her lips, but he whispered that it was okay. He wrapped his arms around her strongly, rocking her back and forth. Jason placed a soft kiss on her forehead and brushed his thumb across her face, wiping away a few of her tears.

After a few minutes, Courtney had managed to quiet down, but that didn’t stop her body from trembling uncontrollably. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Don’t be.” He laid back into the coldness of her sheets, keeping his arms around her as she settled into his chest.

“I shouldn’t have gotten so upset over a nightmare.”

“Shh.” He snuggled closer to her, sharing the warmth of his body.

She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep… almost feeling safe in his arms.

~*~

Though unnoticeable in the darkness, the blackened wood of the bed’s frame stood out against the room’s cream-colored walls, which seamlessly blended into the milky-white carpet. Blue cotton sheets were pulled tautly across the soft mattress, encircling the bed’s two occupants. Jason lay comfortably with his head on a pillow, while the woman he loved, slept with her head on his chest, and fear in her heart. Her dreams were filled with nothing but confusion and suffering, but still she slept on. She tried desperately to escape from their sinister plots, but everywhere that she turned, something just as horrifying appeared and drew her in. It wasn’t until the first terrible pain stabbed her abdomen that Courtney left her dreams and hurtled back into the harshness of reality. Her body had suddenly become stiff against his, strangely different from the moments she had shared with him in that bed after her nightmare. No thoughts entered her mind as she struggled to fight off the sharp pains, except for the realization that she needed to get herself out. Out of that room. Out of that bed. And most of all, out of his arms.

She was careful not to wake him as she maneuvered out of the bed. Quietly, she slipped out from under the sheets and placed her feet on the floor. She held in the whimpers of pain that threatened to burst from her lips, and instead, brought forth the memories… the memories of things better forgotten. Somehow her body carried her out of the dark room, while her mind wandered elsewhere…

Her blood-stained clothes lay heaped on the floor of the bathroom as she grabbed the counter and nearly pulled herself up. The strength of her body was almost gone, replaced by the excruciating pain in her abdomen. She curled herself into a tiny ball, preparing for what was to happen next. It was no use to try and stop it, but still, she desperately squeezed her legs together tightly. She attempted to close up her body and hang on, begging God to keep her baby safe. A sob of despair escaped her… the first sound she’d allowed herself to make since the pain had started. First one tear, then another, until her pale cheeks became the ground on which rivers flow. She continued to pray, asking Him to protect her child. The biggest wave of pain shook her body then, the life inside of her coming out with it.

Immediately, she felt the emptiness and the loneliness… and the utter despair of being incapable of saving what mattered most. The little life that she’d created and held inside of her was gone forever and she had allowed it to happen.

She slipped roughly to the ground and placed her head into her hands. She folded her knees against her chest as her body shook violently and the hurt from her loss engulfed her. Letting go of her hopes, she allowed the grief to take her to a place where pain is real and undeniable.

Not even the sound of the light in the hall being turned on, or the twisting of the doorknob could save her from being lost in the pain.

A/N: Same warning for this chapter. Another short, but intense one.

“Courtney?” a hoarse voice asked.

She didn’t look up at him. Didn’t even seem to notice him standing there. He stepped towards her, shakily reaching out to her with one hand.

“Don’t touch me,” came her icy, almost-whispered response. Her eyes clouded over as she forced the tears to stop and she buried herself deeper into her pain. She rocked her body back and forth, remembering the long journey down the hallway. If only she had held on...

She left his room quickly, dragging her feet along and clutching her stomach as she went. She saw a plate of eggs come into focus as she continued on. The pain in her lower stomach had increased, causing her to clutch her shirt tightly, nearly ripping holes into the fabric. She saw his eyes looking into her soul, and felt the first spark between them come alive. The pain in her abdomen became unbearable and took away her ability to move properly. Her legs crumpled beneath her and her wretched figure fell to the floor. Terrified, she dug her nails into the rough carpet and pulled herself down the long hallway. She reached her hands out and grasped whatever she could, dragging her broken body across the coarse ground. She felt his lips against hers, the rain running through her hair and down her cheeks. There was a fire in his kiss that she couldn’t pull away from. As minute after minute of Courtney’s unbearable task worn on, she lost herself in her memories… He looked at her, devouring everything about her. She saw the hunger, the need… the want in his gorgeous eyes. Dinner had long been forgotten as their bodies and souls became one for the first time that beautiful night. The horrifying truth of what was happening abruptly hit her as she looked towards the bathroom with hurt-filled eyes. A single tear rolled down her cheek, while she continued to fight herself, to make her body do what she wanted it to. Instead, the pain controlled her thoughts and held hostage her right to choose… her right to protect the one thing in the world that she cared most about.

He needed to reach her. To get through to her. If she didn’t let him, Jason was afraid that he would lose her forever. “Courtney,” he said softly. He desperately wanted to hold her and to wipe away her tears, just as she had allowed him to do so earlier that night.

“You don’t understand,” she whispered. “I don’t even understand.”

Jason’s eyes traveled to the floor... and the blood that covered it and her clothes. His heart skipped a beat as the facts processed through his brain. She looked up just as the realization, along with the pain and the hurt, entered his eyes. Tears filled the corners of his eyes as he turned and looked away.

“You can’t even look at me,” she said, with an edgy bitterness in her voice.

He looked back at her, the expression on his face full of grief and despair. Breaking down in front of her was not what she needed. She needed him to be strong. With a deep breath, he took a step towards her and waited for her to object once more.

She didn’t.

“Courtney,” he spoke, his voice wavering and threatening to crack. “Let me help you.”

In order to protect herself from feeling more pain, she had put the walls up and refused to let herself lose it in front of him. But her heart could not keep her from staring directly into his deep blue eyes... She didn’t want to think about letting him in, about letting herself feel the pain. Thinking about anything at that moment was not what she wanted. She wanted to be rid of it all. Just to forget that it had ever happened and bury it deep inside of herself and never let it resurface. But somehow among the feelings of grief and hopelessness, she knew that she couldn’t bury the memory of her loss... she had to deal with it. And she couldn’t do it alone.

“I lost our baby, Jason.”

He stared into her pain-filled eyes for only a moment before looking away and swallowing his pain. “I know.”

Courtney rung her hands together, dragging her cracked nails across her broken skin. As if suddenly aware that he was really there, standing right in front of her, Courtney moved her hands in front of her body. She didn’t want him to look at her and see the emptiness; the emptiness that she felt inside. “I tried-I tried to hold on,” she explained desperately, though more to herself. How could she have allowed this to happen? “I didn’t-I-I’m sorry.”

He bit his lip, feeling the sorrow rise from his heart. A nearly stifled cry rippled throughout his body causing him to shake and slide roughly to the ground. Resisting the urge not to touch the sobbing woman-to reach out to her-Jason placed his head in his hands and lost all of his emotional control. Tears ran down his cheeks, as they never had before. Not even the accident and loss of memory had caused him so much pain. Already he felt the loss and the despair inside of his heart. It wasn’t possible for him to fathom Courtney’s feelings-to understand the pain of a mother who has lost her child forever.

She had never known this kind of pain before… the pain that comes when your heart hurts more than your body. Her cheeks were stained with tears, but her outward appearance had no comparison to the gaping hole that had been torn in her heart… a hole that was not capable of being completely healed. “Why?” she thought, “Why all this pain?”

“No,” had come as the first word in her grief. The air around her had been still and dead as she had turned to look into the mirror. She had stared into the empty eyes of a woman who had lost everything that mattered. She saw him looking at her from across the room. The hurt in his eyes so evident. “I want you back,” he’d said. Those were the words that she had waited to hear… had imagined for so long. And now he was here, offering himself to her. She ran towards him, kissing him, telling him that she needed him. She needed to feel him… and to know him. And so he took her away, giving her what they both needed. The face of the suffering woman in the mirror hadn’t belonged to her… it just couldn’t.

***End Flashback***

Although he was so close to her, he was so far away. She had pushed him away the moment that he’d tried to get close to her… but she knew in her heart that they should mourn, together, for their child. She watched as his body trembled from the pain and the utter darkness and knew that they couldn’t get through this without each other. Softly she touched his knee, sending a spark through both their bodies.

The moment that he felt her skin brush up against his, Jason knew what she meant… he understand that she needed him and he needed her. The loss of their child was devastating and hurt more than anything either of them had ever experienced. Afraid that she would change her mind, and shut him out again, Jason placed his arms around her trembling body and brought her close to him.

They lay there together in the darkness… their tongues silent, but their hearts beating loudly as one. Together, they grieved for their baby. Courtney’s body pressed into his, finding the place which seemed to have been made for her. Part of the loneliness in her heart had already left, but she still felt drowned in hopelessness. Her tears fell against his strong chest while she closed her eyes and drifted into a dreamless sleep.

He felt the pace of her breathing slow down and the steady rise and fall of her chest subside. Taking a strand of her blonde hair in his tired hands and moving it from her face, he placed a tender kiss on her forehead. “I love you,” he barely whispered, “Please don’t ever forget.”

~*~

“Jason,” the blonde protested, “You can put me down now.”

“Not until we’re inside,” he responded, carefully opening the door and walking through the doorway. His arms were gentle and strong around her body as he carried her to safety.

“I’m all right now,” his woman explained once more. “Jason, I’m not going to break if you let me walk.”

“Courtney, the doctor said you need to rest.”

“And I will. Don’t worry so much!”

“Ok,” he conceded. “I promise not to worry… all the time.”

Courtney smiled at his comment while he set her down gently. Somehow he knew the right balance between protecting her and allowing her plenty of room to breathe at the same time. It was one of the many qualities that she loved about him… and a balance that he seemed to have grasped better after the accident. Painful though it was to return home after only a few days in the hospital, Courtney had been dealing with her loss as well as any woman was capable of. And Jason knew that.

Courtney placed her hand in Jason’s and took a deep breath before taking a thorough look around. At first sight, it was obvious that Carly had straightened things up around the penthouse while awaiting Courtney’s return home. The pillows were perfectly placed on the leather sofa and a warm blanket was neatly folded on top of the comfortable cushions. There were no loose balls scattered around the green felt of the pool table and each cue-stick leaned against the wall in a flawless line.

As her eyes scanned the rest of the room, Courtney kept silent. Her silence unnerved Jason a bit, but he held onto her hand tightly. He placed his hand on her shoulder and moved with her as she took a few steps toward the kitchen.

Carly had certainly been busy. There were no dishes in the sink, and in fact, the sink was spotless. Not to mention the counter, the tables and the floor which sparkled as though they’d been touched by an angel’s hand. Any remnants of Jason’s brownie mess were gone and replaced by the smell of Mr. Clean. Courtney could no longer withstand the impeccable conditions of the kitchen and it nearly made her sick. Sensing this, her boyfriend calmly led her out of the kitchen and onto the couch.

She still didn’t speak as she sat down on the cool material of the couch and stared at their intertwined hands. Jason knew better than to speak to her first… and patiently waited for her to clear her thoughts. He was confident that she’d open up to him when she was ready to, but until then, he wasn’t going to push. He felt her let out a tiny breath of air and turn to settle into his arms.

“Please hold me.” She felt him respond to her words immediately as he wrapped his arms snuggly around her. “Sometimes all I want to do is stay in your arms forever.”

“I’m not stopping you.” He gently pressed his lips to her forehead and massaged her hand, but he could feel her tense up.

“And that’s what scares me.”

“Courtney, why?”

She didn’t respond to him instantly, but took her time to find the right words. “Because you give your love to me so freely and yet, don’t expect anything in return.”

“That’s no reason to be afraid.”

“I know that.”

“Good.”

~*~

Across the hall, Carly lay flopped on the couch. Two and a half months into her pregnancy, she was already tired of being pregnant… and she hadn’t even started showing yet. Or even found out the baby’s sex. The more she thought about it, though, the more she realized that it was guilt that she felt. How could she feel so much joy for her child in the face of Jason and Courtney’s terrible loss? She and Sonny had waited a long time for their baby, but that didn’t mean that they were more deserving.

“Mommy?” Carly’s son asked while walking down the steps quietly. A worried expression hung on his face. “Why do you look so sad?”

“It’s nothing you have to worry about, honey.”

Michael climbed into his mother’s lap and gave her the kind of hug that only a child can. “Mommy, is the baby sad too?”

“I think maybe he or she is a little bit sad like mommy.”

“Why?” he asked with concern in his eyes.

Carly sighed and decided that Michael deserved to know what had happened, even if he had a hard time understanding. “Michael, sometimes things happen to babies while they’re still inside of their mommy’s tummy.” His eyes filled with fear as he listened, but his mother calmly rubbed his back. “A long time ago your dad and I had another baby, but this baby died before he was ever born.”

“Is that why you’re sad?”

“This new baby isn’t going to have a cousin, Michael. Jason and Courtney… lost their baby like mommy and daddy did a long time ago.”

“I don’t understand,” Michael said. “Why did the baby die?”

“We don’t know. Nobody knows… but it hurts all of us a lot and makes us sad, especially Jason and Courtney. Their hearts are hurting.”

Michael watched his mother gaze sadly at her hands. He curled up close to her and placed his hand on her stomach. “Our baby isn’t going to die, right?”

“No, honey, he isn’t. He’s healthy and strong.” Carly smiled tightly and played with Michael’s small hand. “But we can’t always choose how things will turn out.”

~*~

“Jason?”

“Mm?” he responded groggily, while rubbing his eyes.

“Can we go out tonight?” a soft voice asked sweetly.

He sat up and looked into the eyes of the woman who had spoken to him. “Are you sure?”

Courtney returned his gaze and nodded confidently. “Let’s go dancing.” She’d been trying to find the courage to ask him that nearly the entire time that they’d laid on the couch together.

Jason’s eyes became bigger than normal and he struggled to make coherent words escape his lips. “D-Dancing?”

“It’ll be fun,” Courtney said. She needed to get out and focus on something else besides the baby who plagued her every thought. It wasn’t as though she wanted to just forget, but she didn’t want to be bogged down by the terrible memories for the rest of her life. If she was going to move on, she needed to start right then and stop wallowing in her pain. And getting out of the house was what she needed.

“Courtney-we barely got here?”

“So?” she asked playfully as she swatted his chest. “Please? It’ll make me happy…”

He sighed, knowing he couldn’t refuse her when she asked so nicely. “Okay…”

“Thank you.” She stood up and stretched, lifting her arms and straightening them in the air. The dark blue fabric of her shirtsleeve clung tightly to her body, but left her belly slightly exposed.

Jason gave her bare midriff a disapproving, but playful, look and secretly, he wasn’t complaining. He grasped her hand tightly and gently pulled her with him as he walked up the steps to their bedrooms. It would be the first time that Courtney would see the place of her miscarriage and Jason knew that she’d need his support. “You okay?” he asked tenderly.

“When I’m with you… everything is better.”

Hand in hand, they walked past the door, which had previously led them to the greatest sorrow in their lives. They both briefly glanced at the seemingly peaceful doorway and continued on, gaining strength from each other.

“I’m okay,” Courtney whispered to no one in particular. “I’m okay.”

Jason wrapped his arms around her trembling body and embraced her tightly once they were inside of Courtney’s room. She broke their embrace and set lightly on the bed.

“I’ll leave you to get changed,” Jason said quietly, getting up from the soft sheets.

Courtney took a deep breath, but reached out her hand and grabbed his arm. “Don’t leave… just yet.”

He turned and walked back to her and then ran his thumb across her face and brushed the hair out of her eyes. Deciding that it was the right thing to do, Jason leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on her cheek. He began to pull away, but Courtney pulled him back to her and pressed her lips against his. They kissed for only a few moments before Courtney broke away from him. She rested her smooth forehead against his and stared into his eyes. “Okay, now you can go,” she told him, flashing a small smile.

Jason was reluctant to leave, but he nodded his head and quietly left the room. “Don’t take too long,” he teased as he walked through the doorway.

“I won’t keep you waiting longer than I need to,” the beautiful woman replied.

~*~

A dark, brooding man paced inside of the penthouse across the hall. “Carly!” he barked sharply.

Inside of the kitchen, Carly jumped. She hadn’t even heard the door open and he was already getting impatient with her. “What?” she asked angrily from the kitchen. She rubbed her hand across her forehead and attempted to smooth out some of the tangles in her hair before entering the front room. It had been one of her lazy days… she was still only dressed in dark blue pajama pants and a loose, cotton shirt. Her face was make-up free and the only one-time brushing of her hair that morning had ceased to be effective. Now, Michael was napping and apparently, her husband had just returned. At others times, she would have been overjoyed to see him home, safe and sound, but not now. He hadn’t returned any of her phone calls. She’d tried to reach him in desperation, but he hadn’t bothered to call and check up on what was happening.

She should have been used to it, yes. Sonny frequently left without any word but “goodbye,” if even that much, and somewhere along the way she had learned to grin and bear it. It’s all part of the package when you marry a mob boss. And things get especially bad when the mob boss loses his right hand man. But that still didn’t excuse the fact that he hadn’t been bothered to reach her when she’d been trying to reach him for four days. All his bodyguards ever said over the phone was: “Mr. Corinthos is not available right now.” After four days of the same response, she’d finally lost it and thrown her phone across the room. It still lay in a broken heap below the fireplace.

She entered the room and eyed her husband with a furious look in her eyes. He was dressed in one of his many dark suits, with a dark shirt and the same tie that he always wore. “Standard mob boss dress,” Carly figured. She knew better than to ask where he had been for the past few days. And wondering what he had been doing was definitely on the no-no list. It didn’t matter where he had been, but what mattered was that he had been ignoring them. She waited for him to speak first, just as he always did. She’d wait to blow her top until after he’d had his initial say.

“I know I’ve been gone for a few days and had no contact for that long-”

“-but you have to leave again,” she interrupted, unable to contain herself.

“Carly, you know things are tough right now in the business. I was extremely busy.”

“Too busy to see your son and your pregnant wife? Too busy to know that your sister and your best friend just suffered the most terrible loss of their lives? You haven’t even been there to say you’re sorry, Sonny.”

He gave her a confused look.

“You do remember the night that they came over for dinner, right?” she asked sarcastically, “Or is there too much junk about the business running through your mind that you don’t have room to remember family memories. Remember their big news? Or did you forget the moment they announced it?”

“Carly, what is this all about? Why are you getting so angry with me? It’s been like this before.”

“I’ve been trying to reach you for four days, Sonny. Four days. To tell you that your sister and your best friend lost their baby,” she blurted out.

Sonny was taken a back by this unexpected news. He struggled to find words to speak, but only a garbled mess came out. “Carly-I had no idea-If I had known-”

“Don’t give me that!” Carly hissed, keeping her voice down for Michael’s sake. “You would have known had you bothered to call back!” She could see that she was hurting him… and that the news of Courtney and Jason’s loss had been nearly as devastating for him as it had been for her.

Sonny knew he’d made a mistake. He’d left for South America five days ago… to go to a place where he’d have very little contact with anyone in Port Charles. The thought of calling to make sure that everything was okay hadn’t even crossed his mind. For once, Carly was right. He’d spent too much time worrying about the business and not enough time supporting the people that he loved. Losing two of his children had been the hardest thing he’d ever experienced… and certainly it was for Jason and Courtney too. “Are they okay?”

“No, Sonny, they’re not.” Carly replied coldly, though her tone began to soften. “When we lost our baby… we were hurt, so badly. You remember how that feels. You remember how sad we were and how confused and devastated our loss left us. Jason and Courtney need us right now.”

“I know,” he replied, his voice shaking a little.

Carly sighed and approached her husband slowly. She was still angry with him… but Carly could tell when she’d truly made her point come across. She reached her arms out and embraced Sonny. As tears slipped down her own cheeks, she hugged him tighter. A part of her knew that in some twisted way, Courtney’s miscarriage would bring them all closer together and that through their adversity, they’d eventually become a stronger family.