Chapter Four
 
 
The next morning, Carly woke early and hid in
Courtney’s room long enough for Sonny to leave for
Jason’s to get ready for the wedding. Courtney was
determined that Carly would have a great day, so she
decided she wouldn’t even mention her problems. She
plastered a smile on her face and went about getting
ready for the wedding. They gathered their make-up and
dresses and made their way to the church.
“How are you holding up?”
“I’ll be fine. Let’s not talk about me today. Today is
your day.”
“But I...”
“No but’s. I mean it Carly. I want today to be all
about you.”
Carly sighed, “Okay fine.”
“Thank you.”
By the time they were finished with their hair and
make-up they both looked beautiful. Courtney wore her
hair down with sterling roses woven through her locks
that matched her dress. Carly wore her hair up with
curly tendrils framing her lovely face. Courtney
carried a bouquet of white roses with one sterling
rose in the center, while Carly’s was a large
arrangement of sterling and white roses.
“Carly, you look beautiful.”
“Thank you. So do you. Oh, Court I can’t believe this
is happening.”
“Well believe it. You and Sonny love each other more
than anything. Never forget that.”
“I won’t.”
Just then Janine stuck her head in the door to tell
them it was time. Courtney stood at the end of the
aisle with a fake smile on her lips. She looked down
at Sonny’s nervous expression. She winked at him for
encouragement which brought a genuine smile on his
face. She deliberately avoided eye contact with Jason,
not ready to face those blue eyes that always knew
what she was thinking. Once Courtney was across from
Sonny, they started the brides march. Everyone stood
as Carly made her way down the aisle on Mike’s arm.
Sonny’s eyes glistened with tears as he watched her
walk towards him looking like an angel. Courtney’s
heart melted as she saw the looks passed between them.
The whole ceremony passed very quickly. It was all
just like a blur to Courtney. Her mind wasn’t
concentrating on the vows Sonny and Carly were taking.
She was thinking about how it felt the night before as
Jason held her in his arms kissing and caressing her.
She was brought from her thoughts when the priest
announced “Mr. and Mrs. Sonny Corinthos.” Everyone
stood as the happy couple made their way out of the
church. Courtney’s heart hammered against her chest as
she took Jason’s arm as he led her out of the church.
As soon as they were out of sight from everyone’s
prying eyes, Jason began to speak.
“We need to talk Courtney.”
“What is there to talk about?”
“About what happened last night for one thing.”
“Jason, last night...” Courtney began but stopped when
Janine came up to them.
“Come on you two. We need to get to the reception
hall. We don’t want to keep everyone waiting.” she
said.
Courtney was thankful to have the opportunity to
postpone her talk with Jason. She honestly didn’t know
what she was going to say. She was so very confused
about her feelings. Courtney went straight to Sonny
and Carly to give them both a hug.
“I’m so happy for you both. It was a beautiful
ceremony.”
“Thank you Court. You’re the best.” Sonny grinned as
he kissed his sister’s cheek.
“Thanks Courtney. I’m so glad to have you as a sister.
I’m so very blessed.”
“I love you both very much. You two will be very happy
together. You two deserve the most happiness in the
world.”
“So do you.” Carly whispered in her ear. Courtney gave
her a weak smile as Jason approached.
“Congratulations you two.” he smiled.
“Thanks man. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate
you being here for me.” Sonny said as he hugged him.
“I’ll always be here for you, never forget that.”
“I won’t.”
“Carly you look beautiful. Sonny’s a lucky man.”
“That’s so sweet of you Jason. Thank you.”
Just then they heard Mike’s voice as he took the stage
to announce them as they entered the reception hall.
“Thank you all for coming out today to help Janine and
I celebrate our only son’s wedding. Caroline is such a
special woman, and we couldn’t be happier about
Sonny’s choice. Please help me welcome the member’s of
the wedding party. The Matron of Honor, my beautiful
baby girl Courtney Ryan. The Best Man, my second
unofficial son, Jason Morgan.” Courtney reluctantly
took Jason’s arm again as he led her to their table.
“Now I’m pleased to present to you Mr. and Mrs. Sonny
Corinthos.” Everyone cheered as they entered the room.
They stood in the middle of the floor, posing for the
cameras as many of the guests snapped their picture.
“Now it is time for their first dance as man and
wife.” Sonny pulled Carly close to his chest, holding
her tightly. They stared into each other’s eyes,
kissing each other softly. A minute into the song,
Mike spoke again, “Now Courtney and Jason please join
them on the floor.” She again plastered a fake smile
onto her face as Jason led her to the dance floor. He
pulled her close to him, his arm firmly around her
waist. Jason held her tight as they swayed to the
music.
“We have to talk about last night.” he whispered.
“Can’t we try to forget it happened?” she pleaded.
“I can’t forget it anymore than you can and you know
it.”
Courtney closed her eyes and sighed softly, “I know.”
“Courtney, you know how I feel about you. I never
stopped loving you, and I know you love me too.”
“Stop Jason, please.” she asked as her chin began to
tremble.
“Court, please.” Jason’s voice cracked with emotion.
“I need to hear you say it.”
“What difference does it make? I can’t leave Zack. It
would destroy him. I couldn’t do that to him.”
“I’ve never asked you to Courtney. I just...I just
need to hear you say it.”
“Why are you putting us through this? You want me to
say it just when I’m about to leave again?” Courtney
asked, staring into his eyes. She knew she had to tell
him the truth. “Yes I do love you still Jason. I love
you so much it hurts to think about leaving you again,
but I have to. Zack loves me and Dylan so much. I
could never hurt him like that.”
“Oh Court. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to
hear you say it. Thank you.” Jason softly kissed her
lips then pulled her closer to him as they continued
to dance. Courtney was torn by her love for Jason and
the love she felt for Zack. She knew if she was
truthful with herself she really wanted to be with
Jason. Being away from him all this time did nothing
to change what she felt for him. Then there was Zack.
He loved her so much, she couldn’t bare the thought of
hurting him. If she took Dylan and went to Jason, it
would kill him.
The song ended, and they slowly pulled away from each
other. Jason softly caressed her face as another song
began.
“Could I have one more dance?” he asked.
“Jason I....” she began.
“Courtney, I haven’t been able to hold you in my arms
for five years. I don’t know if I ever will again.
Please, let me have one more dance.”
Courtney smiled softly and stepped back into his
embrace, sighing at the peace she felt in his arms.
Carly and Sonny watched them dance with heavy hearts.
“I feel so bad for them.” she sighed.
“So do I. To love someone you can’t have would be so
hard. I never imagined it would affect her like this.
If I had known I never would have asked Jason to stand
beside me. I wouldn’t intentionally put them through
that kind of pain.”
“I know Sonny.” Carly kissed him softly then returned
her attention to them on the floor. “Would she leave
Zack for him?”
“Never.” Sonny stated firmly. “No matter how much she
may want to be with Jason she’d never do that to
Zack.”
“I don’t know what’s worse. Breaking the heart of the
man you took vows to be together forever with or
breaking the heart of the one person you’ll ever love.
I don’t envy her at all. I’m so lucky to get to be
with you, my one true love.” Carly smiled up at Sonny.
“I love you so much my wife.” He whispered as he
softly kissed her lips, making her forget about
anything or anyone else around her.
Jason and Courtney finished their last dance, but
neither wanted it to end. They slowly parted, but
still held hands.
“Thank you for the dance.” Jason smiled.
“You don’t have to thank me Jason. I enjoyed it as
much as you did.”
Jason led her off the dance floor, just in time for
the best man’s toast. After helping Courtney to her
seat, Jason took his place beside her and began his
speech.
“I’ve known Sonny Corinthos for as long as I can
remember. We’ve been the best of friends, always there
for each other whenever we needed anything. I was
there when he had his tonsils removed, to the first
time he had his heart broken. Now we’re all grown up
and you’ve asked me to stand beside you on your
wedding day. I can’t begin to express how honored I am
that you chose me for this. If I ever get married I
know I will feel stronger just knowing you’ll be there
standing beside me. I am so happy that you found your
soulmate. Caroline is a special person, and I know you
two will always be together. Nothing can tear apart a
love as strong as yours. Let’s all raise our glasses
to toast to Mr. and Mrs. Sonny Corinthos. May all your
dreams come true and your cup runneth over with
happiness.” Jason smiled as everyone drank to their
happiness.
Carly’s eyes filled with tears as even Sonny sniffled
a little. Courtney smiled over at them, so happy to
see her brother so settled and happy. She looked up at
Jason just as he looked down at her. He knew in his
heart that the only woman he would ever marry would be
Courtney. He couldn’t help but hope she would one day
decide she couldn’t live a lie any longer and come
back to him.
Chapter Five
Courtney managed to avoid being alone with Jason for
most of the night, although she was well aware that
his eyes followed her all over the room. Part of her
was relieved to be leaving tomorrow morning, but her
heart was breaking all over again at the thought of
walking away from Jason. But she knew she had to go.
She lived another life with Zack and Dylan, and she’d
made promises to them that she just couldn’t break.
Her head was telling her she was doing the right
thing, but her heart wasn’t so sure anymore. They all
stood outside the reception hall saying goodbye to
Sonny and Carly as they headed off to Cape Cod for
their honeymoon. Neither one of them had the extra
time to take a long honeymoon, so they decided to just
go on a mini honeymoon now and go on a real one later
after the baby was born. Sonny held her tightly as
they said goodbye.
“I love you Courtney. I’m so blessed.”
“I love you too Sonny. I know you two will be so happy
together.”
“Give Dylan a big kiss goodbye for me and tell Zack
I’m sorry he couldn’t make it.”
“I will. Have a great time.”
“I’m sure we will,” he grinned as he made his way to
their parents to say goodbye. Carly smiled at her as
she hugged her.
“Thank you so much for being here. It meant so much to
me.”
“I’m glad I could be here. You guys go off and have a
great time. Call me when you get back.”
“I will. Give Dylan and Zack a kiss for me.”
“I will. I’ll make sure your wedding dress gets back
to the house in one piece too.”
“Thanks Court.” They both finished their goodbyes and
headed off to the Cape. Courtney followed the crowd
back inside, wanting nothing more than to head back to
her parent’s house and go to sleep. She began making
her rounds, saying goodbye. She was slipping her coat
on when that familiar voice spoke.
“Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?” She
slowly turned to face him, her sadness evident in her
blue eyes.
“I thought it might be easier this way.”
“There’s nothing easy about any of this Courtney. For
the last five years all I’ve though of was you. You’re
the one thing I’ve ever wanted and no matter how hard
I try to forget about you and move on I just can’t do
it. Our love is the real thing Courtney. I know in my
heart that you and I are meant to be and someday you
will realize it. I’m not going to ask you to stay here
with me. That wouldn’t be fair to you, Zack, or Dylan.
I’ll just sit back and try to be patient and wait for
you to come back to me.” Tears began to fall down
Courtney’s cheeks as she listened to his words. Why
did it have to be so damn complicated?
“You can’t do that Jason. Promise me you won’t put
your life on hold waiting for something that may never
happen.”
“I can’t promise you that Courtney. The only promise I
can give you is that I will always love you and no
matter what happens or doesn’t happen between us I
will always be here for you and Dylan.”
“You deserve so much happiness Jason,” she whispered
as she hugged him tight.
“So do you,” he whispered back into her ear. They
pulled back slightly, looking into each other’s eyes
for a moment before their lips met for one last kiss.
They clung desperately to each other, neither one
quite ready to let the go. The tears fell steadily
down her cheeks, Jason could taste her tears. Courtney
slowly pulled away, refusing to look at him.
“Goodbye Jason. You’ll always have my heart,” she said
before quickly turning away to head for the door.
Jason watched her leave, his heart breaking into a
million pieces. Once she was outside, Courtney buried
her face in her hands as sobs wracked her body. It
killed her to walk away from him but she knew if she
hadn’t done it now she might have had the strength to
do it at all. When she got back to her parents house,
she went straight to Dylan’s crib and stared down at
his sleeping form. She smiled through the tears that
continued to fall, “I love you so much.” Her smile
disappeared as she collapsed into sobs again. “God
help me. I just wish you were Jason’s.” She didn’t
even bother to change clothes, she simply cried
herself to sleep.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next morning, Courtney took the first flight back
to Florida. She didn’t want to chance running into
Jason again. Zack was there to pick them up from the
airport. She saw him as soon as she stepped off the
plane. He greeted her with a big smile and hug before
kissing her lips softly.
“I missed you baby. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.”
Courtney managed a smile, “I understand why you
couldn’t, but you missed a beautiful ceremony.”
“Did you get pictures?”
“Of course. Sonny and Carly send their love and so do
my parents.”
“I’m so disappointed that I didn’t get to see them,”
he bent down to pick up Dylan. “There’s my guy. I
missed you too buddy. Did you take care of your Mommy
for me?” The baby just stared up at him blankly,
causing them both to laugh. They got their luggage and
headed home. Courtney did the beat she could to try to
act like her normal self. Zack didn’t seem to notice
any change in her, but looks can be deceiving. He had
noticed. She didn’t look at him the way she used to.
Zack knew she loved him but he had begun to wonder if
she was ever in love with him at all. Part of him
wanted to ask her, but he was too afraid of what her
answer would be. He just kept quiet and hoped he loved
her enough for the both of them.
~2003~
Courtney was brought from her memories by the shrill
ringing of the telephone. She wiped at the tears that
were on her cheeks and stood to answer it. “Hello?:
her voice shaky from her tears.
“Hey sweetie,” Carly said, her voice full of concern.
“How are you doing?”
“Great considering my husband just died, how about
you?”
“I’m sorry Court. That was a really stupid question.”
“It’s okay Carly. I know you mean well.”
“I’m so sorry we couldn’t be there for you Courtney.
You know if there was any way possible for me to
travel I’d have been there.”
“I know you would have, but you’re due to have that
baby any day now. You just rest and take care of my
little niece or nephew.”
“I don’t want to get you even more upset, but what do
you plan on doing now?”
“I’m going to stay here at least till the end of the
school year. I’ve been thinking of moving back home.
It’s just so hard being here without Zack.” she fought
the tears that were threatening to fall again.
“I’d be so happy if you came home. I never had a
sister and I know Jacob would love to have his Aunt
Courtney and cousin Dylan around.”
“I bet he’s getting so big.” Courtney sighed. “I think
family is what Dylan and I both need right now.”
“What about Zack’s parents?”
“They moved to Key West last year, so it’s not like
we’re right around the corner from them anyway. I
haven’t mentioned this to them yet. It’s just too
soon.
“Are you going to sell the house?”
Courtney was quiet for a moment as she looked around
the house she had shared with Zack. She closed her
eyes, trying to block out the pain of knowing Zack
would never come through their front door again. “I
think so. It hurts to much to stay here Carly.” she
sniffled. Carly’s heart broke for her sister in law.
She could only imagine the pain she was going through.
“Are you sure you’re going to wait for the end of the
school year? You could always come stay with Sonny and
I. Four months is a long time for you to be alone down
there.”
“I can’t just leave the school Carly. I know it’s
going to be hard, but I have to do it.”
“Well if you’re sure, I’m sure Sonny will fly down to
help you when you’re ready to leave.”
“I appreciate it Carly, but I’m sure I can handle it.
He needs to stay with you and the kids.”
“Don’t you ever think of yourself Courtney? What do
you want?” Suddenly Jason popped into her mind. She
bit her lip to try to hold back the tears. The guilt
weighing heavily on her shoulders.
“I just want the pain to go away.” she whispered.
“Sweetie, it will in time. I know it’s hard to believe
right now, but it will.”
“I hope so Carly. I’m trying so hard to be strong for
Dylan’s sake. He’s so young and he doesn’t understand
why Daddy isn’t here anymore.”
“Zack will always live on in Dylan and he’ll always be
in your heart. Try to take comfort in that.”
“Zack wanted another baby.” Courtney said out of the
blue.
“What?”
“He wanted another baby, but I kept putting him off. I
was such a bad wife Carly,” she finally let her tears
fall.
“No you weren’t. If you weren’t ready for another baby
then you were right to say it. That doesn’t make you a
bad wife.”
“How about the fact that I never truly gave Zack my
heart and soul because it belong to someone else?” she
asked bitterly.
Carly sighed, “You loved Zack Courtney. I know you
did. You made him happy, isn’t that enough?”
“I don’t know Carly. I just don’t know anything
anymore.” They spoke for a little while longer, before
finally hanging up. The first week was the hardest.
Dylan constantly asked for his Daddy, and every time
she told him he wasn’t coming home it broke her heart.
He was still so young, and one day he wouldn’t
remember his father at all. All he will know of him
would be old photographs, videos, and stories she
would tell him. Dylan had been cheated out of his
father, and Courtney just didn’t know how to be a
mother AND a father. A month after the funeral,
Courtney decided to tell her in laws her plans to move
back home. They understood her reasons for needing to
leave, but they made her promise to bring Dylan to
visit regularly. It didn’t take her long to sell her
house and with the help of Carly and Sonny, she found
another house a few miles down the road from theirs to
buy. The school she had been teaching at was sad to
see her go, but they too understood. Good kindergarten
teachers were hard to come by, so it didn’t take her
long to find another job at the elementary school she
had attended as a little girl. By the time May rolled
around, Courtney had all of her affairs in order. She
stood inside the no empty house that had once been her
home, tears burning her eyes. A sad smile passed her
lips as she turned and headed out the door. She
stopped to give the new owners her set of keys. She
smiled up at them. They looked so happy and you could
tell they were newlyweds. “I hope you guys love this
place as much as we did.” Courtney knew the realtor
had told them about Zack. “We had a lot of good times
here and I know you two will have a lot of the same.”
“Thank you so much. Good luck on your trip.” she
returned her smile.
“Thanks.” she turned and headed to her silver 2003
Toyota 4-Runner. She took one last look at the house
before climbing into the drivers seat and looking back
at Dylan who sat quietly in his car seat. “One more
stop, then we’re on our way.” she smiled to him. He
smiled back, then continued to play with his GI Joe’s.
Not ten minutes later, Courtney pulled up to the
cemetery. She took a deep breath before getting Dylan
out of his seat and heading for Zack’s grave. They
stood there holding hands, staring at the cold marble,
Courtney reading the inscription. ‘Zachary Ryan
1976-2003 Beloved son, father, and husband’ She
brushed her tears away as she spoke, “I guess this is
goodbye. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to stay here,
I just really need my family to help me get through
this. It’s been so hard to be strong for myself and
for Dylan. You were always the strong one Zack, and I
just don’t know how to do all this without you.” She
paused to take another deep breath, “I’m so sorry I
couldn’t be the wife you deserved. You deserved so
much more than I gave you and I just….I just really
wish I could have been that for you. Somehow I think
you always knew that I could never really give you my
heart. I had given it away a long time ago and I never
really got it back. That was so unfair to you, and I
live with that guilt every day. I don’t know if I will
ever truly forgive myself for that. I will promise you
that I will take care of Dylan and make sure he knows
about you and how much you loved him. He’s such an
amazing gift and I’m thankful every day that you gave
him to me. I know I might not have said this to you
very often, but I did love you Zack and you’ll always
be in my heart forever. Watch over us and keep Dylan
safe. Goodbye Zack.” she whispered through her tears
as she picked Dylan up and headed back to her car.
Once she had him settled she turned her car around and
headed towards the interstate and a new start.
Chapter Six
© 2003
Three days later, Courtney made it home. She pulled
into her parents driveway, then grabbed a sleeping
Dylan from his car seat. Everyone met her on the
porch. Janine and Mike pulled her in for a long hug.
“I’m so sorry we couldn’t be there sweetie,” her mom
whispered.
“It’s okay.” she forced a smile before turning to
Sonny and Carly for a hug. “It’s good to be home.
Where is my handsome nephew and my new niece?”
“Well Jake tried to stay awake till you got here, but
he’s upstairs taking a nap. Sonny just gave Madeline
her bottle, so she’s out like a light too.”
“That’s okay. As you can see, my little man couldn’t
stay awake either.”
“I’ll get your bags out for you,” Sonny offered,
taking Courtney’s keys.
“Thanks. Just the two beside Dylan’s car seat though.
The rest can wait till I get to my house tomorrow.”
Once Courtney lay Dylan on the couch, she joined the
rest of the adults in the kitchen. Her mom handed her
a cup of coffee. She gave her a small smile, “Thanks
Mom.”
She gently caressed her cheek, “I’m so glad you’re
home.”
“Me too. The last four months have been really hard on
me.”
“I can only imagine,” Carly placed a comforting hand
on her back. “So, what are your plans?”
“My plans….well, so far my plans include getting my
new house in order, getting my son situated, and
taking some time to be with my family and hopefully
we’ll be able to heal.”
“You’re one of the strongest people I know. You’re
going to get through this.” Sonny said.
“I know I will. I have to for Dylan’s sake.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next week was spent unpacking and getting
Courtney’s new house situated. She bought a cute two
bedroom, two bath house not far from Sonny and Carly.
It had a big, open kitchen, a good size living room, a
small office for her, a big wrap around porch, and a
decent size backyard. Sonny had gotten her a great
deal on it. With the amount she sold their house in
Florida for, she had enough to buy a new house, make
the move home, pay off their bills, and get them by
until she started work again in September. Dylan and
Jacob got along famously and they adored little
Madeline. It didn’t take them long to settle into a
new routine. Courtney realized just how much she loved
her hometown. The pain of Zack’s loss finally began to
ease. She kept herself buy so the thoughts of Jason
wouldn’t haunt her. But sometimes late at night she
would sit outside on her front porch looking up at the
stars and her mind would drift to him. Part of her
wondered if he had moved on or if he was true to his
word and was still waiting for her to come to him. She
couldn’t deny the fact that her heart still beat for
him, but Zack still held her back. Even though he
wasn’t here anymore, the knowledge of the fact that
part of her wanted an excuse to leave him when he was
still alive just so she could go back to Jason. Those
thoughts filled her with so much guilt that at times
she felt as if she might drown because of it.
It had been a month since Courtney had returned home.
She stopped at Parker’s Market to pick up a few things
when she ran into someone she hadn’t seen in years.
“Courtney!” she called out. When Courtney turned
around she couldn’t believe who it was.
“Emily?” she smiled as she pulled her in for a hug. “I
can’t believe it. Last I heard you were off at
Stanford.”
“Yeah. I graduated a couple years ago. I work for an
advertising firm in Manhattan. What brings you home?
Last I heard you were married and lived in Florida.
You have a son right?”
Courtney’s smile faltered, “Yeah. Dylan is two.
Actually I moved back here last month.”
“I’d love to meet your husband and son.”
“I’m sure Dylan would love to meet you, but….my
husband….my husband passed away about five months
ago.”
Emily’s face immediately fell, “I’m so sorry Courtney.
I really had no idea.”
“It’s okay. You couldn’t have known.”
“At least you have your family here to support you.”
“I’m very grateful for that believe me.” Courtney
smiled deciding to change the subject. “So, what
brings you home?”
Emily’s smile returned immediately, “Well I’m here to
plan my wedding.”
“Really? Wow, I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks. I’m so happy Courtney. Zander is just so
amazing.”
“So his name is Zander?”
“Actually it’s Alexander Smith. He just prefers to be
called Zander.”
“I’m really happy for you Emily. You deserve it.”
“Thank you so much Courtney.” she paused for a moment.
“I really wish we had kept in touch.”
“I know. It was just so hard on me after Jason left.
It was like being around you only made it worse. You
reminded me of what I couldn’t have.”
She smiled sympathetically, “You and Jason really
loved each other. I really thought you guys would make
it.”
“Well, from my experience you can never guarantee
anything. I never thought I’d be a widow either.” she
sighed heavily. “How is Jason?”
“He’s doing okay. He’s very much still in love with
you.”
Courtney looked away for a moment, afraid if Emily
looked into her eyes she would see the joy in her
eyes. “When are you getting married?”
“December 31st. We knew it would be easier for
everyone to get together around the holidays. Zander
doesn’t have any family living, so planning the
wedding has been pretty simple. We’re having the
wedding here at our parents place.”
“Ahhh,” she laughed. “You’re getting married at the
old mansion huh?”
Emily laughed, “Yeah. It’s just going to be a very
small ceremony. We’re going to get married in the
ballroom. Will you come to my wedding?”
“I….I’m really not sure that’s a good idea Em.”
“Why? Okay, so you’ll be around Jason. Is that such a
bad thing?”
“Emily, I just lost my husband. I just….I can’t think
about anyone else right now.”
“He would want you to be happy you know.” she
whispered. Courtney’s eyes welled with tears.
“I know he would. That’s what makes it even harder for
me.”
“I know this might be asking a lot of you, but it
would really mean a lot to me if you would come to my
wedding. You were always more to me than my brother’s
girlfriend. You were one of my best friends Courtney.”
Courtney knew it meant so much to Emily for her to be
at her wedding. How could she possibly say no?
“Okay.” She smiled, “I promise I’ll be there for your
wedding. Just please don’t mention to Jason that I’m
home. Will you do that for me?”
“I promise I’ll try not to, but sometimes my mouth
speaks before my brain realizes what I’m saying. I
understand that you need more time…..time to mourn
your loss.”
“It’s just if he comes here looking for me to be ready
for a relationship, he’s just going to be hurt all
over again. To be honest Em, I’m not sure I’ll ever be
ready.”
Emily looked at her for a moment, “Courtney I know I
don’t know the kind of loss you have suffered and I
pray that I never do. I also know that I didn’t know
your husband or the kind of man he was. I know he had
to have been a wonderful man if you married him. Do
you really think he’d want you to turn your back on
happiness and deny Dylan a father just because you
feel obligated to remain true to him?”
“There’s so much you just don’t understand.”
“Why don’t you tell me?” Courtney looked away once
more.
“I’m too ashamed. I just….I feel like I failed Zack as
a wife, and I don’t know how to forgive myself.”
“Does any of this have to do with what happened when
you saw Jason a couple years ago at Sonny and Carly’s
wedding?” Courtney looked over at her wide-eyed.
“What? How do you know about that?”
“Jason and I are very close Courtney you know that. He
just told me that he saw you again and found out that
you were married with a baby. He told me that you did
kiss, but nothing else happened because of your
husband.”
“Did he tell you that nothing happened because HE
stopped it, not me?”
Emily blinked in shock, “Umm, no. He left that part
out.”
“Yeah, well I haven’t been able to forget that. What I
did….or almost did to my husband. How can I possibly
turn around just months after my husband’s death and
run off to be happy with the one man who truly has my
heart? Is it fair that Zack loved me with everything
he had and I couldn’t give him that kind of love in
return? Is it fair that he was always second in my
heart? Was it fair that when I was with him my
thoughts would drift back to Jason? How horrible do
you think I feel for WANTING something to happen so I
could leave Zack to be happy with Jason? I’m not
worthy of anyone’s love Emily, least of all Jason’s.”
Emily’s eyes welled with tears as she listened to
Courtney’s heartfelt confession, “Oh Courtney. I can’t
imagine what it’s like to live with those feelings
bottled up inside you like that. You have to know that
it isn’t your fault that Zack is dead. It was a
horrible accident and it was unfair to take him when
he had to much life left to live, but it most
certainly wasn’t your fault. No matter how much you
may have wanted to be with Jason, you NEVER would have
wanted Zack to die. You may not have loved him with
all of your heart, but I know you loved him Court.
There’s no way you could ever marry someone you didn’t
love, and I know you adore your son.”
“Dylan is everything to me,” she wiped tears from her
eyes.
“You have to think of him too Courtney. Don’t you
think he deserves to have a family?”
“He has a family.”
“I mean a mother and a father and maybe even a brother
or sister one day.”
“I know a lot of what you say is true, but how can I
forget everything that’s happened?”
“Like most mistakes, it’s almost impossible to forget
them. You just have to learn to accept them and move
on. That’s all you need to do Court, move on.”
She laughed softly, “It’s easier said than done.”
“Start with acceptance, then you’ll be able to move
on.”
Courtney looked at her watch, “I’m sorry to leave like
this, but I have to pick Dylan up at Carly’s.”
“Don’t worry about it sweetie. I just hope you listen
to some of what I said.”
“I promise to give it some thought. How long are you
going to be in town?”
“Just through the rest of the week. Do you want to get
together one night for dinner? I’m dying to meet
Dylan.”
“Of course. Here,” Courtney quickly jotted down her
phone number. “This is my number. Call me and we’ll
set something up.” She hugged her once more, “It’s
good to see you again Emily. I’ve really missed you.”
“I missed you too. I’ll call you okay?”
“Okay. Bye Em.” Courtney smiled as she quickly left
the store, anxious to get away from Emily, knowing
that everything she had said to her made sense to her
in her head, but her heart was a different story.
Chapter Seven
© 2003
When Courtney got to Carly’s, she found her loading
the dishes into the dishwasher as the boys watched
cartoons in the living room.
“Hey,” Courtney smiled, sitting down at the breakfast
bar. “How was he today? Was he a good boy?”
“Of course he was. He’s always a sweetheart. They had
so much fun in the pool this afternoon. They wanted to
teach Maddy how to swim.” Carly laughed as she toweled
off her hands, sitting across from Courtney at the
bar. “Sonny and I had to explain she was a little too
young to be getting into the water just yet.”
“I bet they were cute though weren’t they?” she
laughed.
“You know it.” her smile faded. “Court, there’s
something you should know.”
“What?”
“Jason called tonight. He uh…..he knows you’re back in
town.” Courtney’s heart felt like it was in her throat
and tried to remember to breathe.
“What?” she choked.
“Jason called. He spoke to Sonny and he heard me
talking to Dylan and Jake in the background. What was
Sonny supposed to do? Lie?” Courtney shook her head,
trying to get a grip on her emotions.
“I’m not ready for this Carly. I….I just can’t do
this.”
“Honey, how do you know what he’s going to do?”
“What did he say to Sonny?”
“Nothing much. He was sorry for yours and Dylan’s
loss. He didn’t mention anything about coming here.”
Courtney finally let out a long breath. “Sweetie, you
have to calm down. I don’t think Jason is going to
drop everything and come running here.” Courtney
couldn’t hide the hurt look on her face, “I didn’t
mean it like that and you know it. I just think he’s
smart enough to know you need some time to mourn your
husband.”
“I guess you’re right. Jason was always thinking of
others before himself.” she tried to smile. “I ran
into Emily today.”
“Emily? Who’s she?”
“Jason’s sister. I told you about her before.”
“Oh yeah. Sorry I forgot.” Carly shrugged. “What’s she
doing home?”
“She’s here planning her wedding. She wants me to go.”
“You’re going aren’t you?”
“I told her I would. I just know I’m going to have to
face Jason.”
“You know it’s going to happen sooner or later. I know
you love him Court. I wish you would just forgive
yourself and finally let yourself be truly happy. No
matter what you say you do deserve to be happy.”
“God, you sound just like Emily.” Courtney laughed.
Carly grinned.
“Hey, I think I could get along great with this
Emily.”
“I think you would too. I guess I need to get Dylan
home. It’s getting late.” They walked into the living
room to find the boys asleep together on the floor.
“Aw, they’re so sweet.”
Carly laughed, “Why don’t you just leave him here for
the night? He’s wiped out.”
“You sure you don’t mind?”
“Of course I don’t.”
“Okay, I’ll be over to get him in the morning.”
“You know you don’t have to rush. Dylan and Jake are
practically brothers. We love having him around.”
Courtney smiled, “Thanks Carly. I’ll see you in the
morning.”
“Goodnight Court.”
When Courtney got home, she saw her answering machine
had three messages on it. She pressed play and
listened to them one by one.
‘Hey Court, it’s Sonny. I just wanted to warn you that
Jason called me tonight and he knows you are home. I
swear I didn’t come out and tell him. He overheard
Carly talking to Dylan and Jake and he figured it out.
I did tell him about Zack. Please don’t be mad at me.
I love you and you know I would never do anything I
knew would hurt you. Talk to you later. Bye.’
Courtney smiled at the sweetness of her brother’s
message. She quickly erased it before going to the
next one.
‘Hey Courtney, it’s Emily. I got a phone call from
Jason tonight. He found out from Sonny about you being
home. I swear I didn’t tell him. Please don’t be angry
with me. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that he
knows. Call me about dinner. Bye.’
She laughed to herself, then listened to the final
message. Her heart ached from the mere sound of his
voice.
‘Courtney, it’s Jason. I know I’m probably one of the
last people you expected to hear from. I just found
out today about Zack. I’m so truly sorry for yours and
Dylan’s loss. I can’t imagine what you are going
through right now. I’m glad you are at home with your
family so they can help you through the hard times.
Just so you know, I do still love you Courtney. Not a
day goes by that I don’t think of you and wish I was
with you. I know in my heart that you aren’t ready for
that yet, hell maybe you never will be. Please
remember that there is still someone out there who
loves you very much and would give anything just to be
where you are. If I don’t hear from you before Emily’s
wedding, please take care. I can’t wait to see you
again and to see just how big Dylan has gotten. I
guess I better go before the machine cuts me off.
Goodbye, Courtney. I love you.’
Tears streamed down her cheeks as she replayed Jason’s
message over and over again. He still loved her and
God knows she still loved him with all her heart. She
sat down at her desk, took out a pen and paper, and
began to write him a letter. Somehow she just felt as
though she owed it to him to explain how she truly
felt and she knew she couldn’t do it over the phone.
Jason~
Please forgive me for not having the courage to do
this over the phone. I just don’t know if I would have
been able to get through it. I got your message today.
Thank you for your kind words about Zack. These last
five months have been terribly difficult for me. I
never thought I would be a widow raising a little boy
on my own, but I’m doing it. Being home with my family
has helped me tremendously. They have really helped me
heal and they’ve helped Dylan adjust so much. I
honestly don’t know what I would have done without
them. Okay, so I guess you figured out by now that I’m
simply stalling, making idle conversation about
everything but the real reason for my letter. I do
still love you. I love you so much, but I can’t
possibly be with you….at least not yet. I don’t want
to get your hopes up that there will be a future for
us, because I honestly don’t know what tomorrow will
bring. Right now the guilt I feel is so overwhelming
and I just don’t know how to get over it. Zack loved
me very much and I did love him….just not the way a
woman should love her husband. I always kept that part
of my heart reserved for you, and that wasn’t fair to
Zack. I failed him as a wife, and I just can’t seem to
make myself believe that I deserve the happiness that
I know I would find with you. Please don’t wait for
me. If you have a chance at love with someone else
please don’t hesitate to take it. I couldn’t live with
myself if I knew you were waiting for something that
may never happen. I do love you Jason and I always
will. Please try to be happy.
Love Always,
Courtney
Her hands shook as she closed the letter. She knew in
her heart it was the right thing for her to do, but
her heart was breaking in two. She just told the man
she loved more than anything to move on and find
another to love. Part of her truly wanted him to find
happiness, true happiness with another. The other part
of her was terrified that he actually would do as she
asked and move on. Her heart called out for Jason,
wanting nothing more that to go to him now and have
him hold her forever. Her head told her that it just
wasn’t right. It was too soon, and she didn’t deserve
that kind of happiness. That night as Courtney lay in
bed alone, her thoughts were on nothing but Jason. She
sighed heavily to herself, hoping that maybe she could
at least be happy with Jason in her dreams.
Chapter Eight
© 2003
Jason read her letter over and over again, trying to
let her words sink in. She still loved him…..but, she
didn’t want him to wait for her. Part of him was in
shock that she could actually believe he’d be able to
simply move on and forget the love they shared. For as
long as he lived he knew he’d never love anyone the
way he loves Courtney, and he refused to settle for
anything less. What they have is real, and it didn’t
matter how long he had to wait for her. He’d wait the
rest of his life just to hold her in his arms once
more. He knew what he had to do. Jason took out a
clean sheet of paper and began to write her back.
Courtney~
I received your letter today. I’m glad to hear you’re
doing okay despite the tragedy you and your son have
suffered. I’m sure being with your family helps a
great deal. So, how are Janine and Mike? Please give
them a big hug from me. They always treated me as if I
was a member of your family, and I truly love them for
that. I speak to Sonny from time to time. I know he
and Carly have a new baby girl named Madeline. I hope
for her sake she got her looks from her mother. Heaven
help her if she looks like her daddy.I really wish I
could be there to see how big the kids have gotten.
What does it feel like to be home again after being
gone so long? Is it hard to settle back into small
town life after being in the city so long? Part of me
really misses the old place. Life was just so simple
and easy there, so much different than the world I
live in here in Boston.
Emily told me the other day that she ran into you and
invited you to her wedding. I certainly hope you come.
It would mean so much to her….and to me. Emily always
thought of you as a sister, not just a friend. I think
you’ll really like her fiancé, Nikolas. He comes from
a wealthy and prominent family. You’d think he was
very conceited and thinks he’s better than everyone
else, but he’s quite the opposite. When you’re in the
same room with them you can see just how much he
adores her. I couldn’t ask for a better match for
Emily. I’m so happy she’s found the one person she was
meant to be with. She deserves so much happiness. For
me to say this about my baby sister’s fiancé has to
say a lot about his character. You know how protective
I am of her. Remember when she went though that hard
break up with Zander in high school? I thought her
heart would never mend, but it did. I wanted to kill
Zander for breaking my sister’s heart, but deep down I
knew it really wasn’t either one of their faults.
Things happen sometimes with circumstance you can’t
change. I remember telling Emily that if they were
truly meant to be together they would find their way
back to each other someday. In their case, it’s
obvious that they really weren’t meant for each other.
Last Emily heard Zander was married to a girl named
Gia. He’s just as happy as Emily is with Nikolas. So,
Emily and Zander weren’t meant to be. They were first
loves, probably each other’s first lovers as well as
much as I hate to think of my little sister being
anyone’s lover, and they will always hold a special
place in each other’s hearts for one another.
Everyone’s situation is always different, just like
the reasons for leaving are different. Sometimes
people break up because the other one is unfaithful,
some people fall out of love with the other person,
others simply realize despite how much they may love
each other that love just isn’t always enough to make
a relationship last. Many people may argue that all
you need is love, but how can that be true? There are
so many levels of love. I truly believe the only kind
of love that you can build something that will last
forever is an unconditional love. The kind of love
that makes you feel as if you can do anything or be
anything as long as you know that person is there
beside you encouraging you to do your best. The kind
of love where your partner may drive you completely
insane one minute, and drive you completely wild with
desire the next. The kind of love that never dies,
never lies, is never untrue. That’s the kind of love
my sister has found in Nikolas, and it’s the kind of
love I’ve felt only once in my life. When you feel the
power of that kind of love you can never settle for
anything less. No matter how long you have to wait,
you’ll wait if it means you may have the chance to
experience that love again. That’s what I’m waiting
for. Do you believe in destiny or fate? I do. I just
know in my heart I have to be patient, then one day
the fates will bring the one I love back to me.
Anyway, no more deep discussions. How does Dylan like
being back home? He was so little last time I saw him.
I can’t imagine how big he’s probably gotten. I’d love
to see him again. I don’t want to ask too much of you
Courtney, but I would love it if you would write me
back. I know this form of communication is probably
easier for you than talking to me on the phone. As
much as I would love to hear your voice, I’ll be happy
with just a short letter from you to let me know you
are okay. Please give Dylan a big hug for me. I hope
to hear from you soon.
Love,
Jason
Jason smiled to himself, satisfied with what he had
written. In the letter, he didn’t come right out and
say he was talking about their relationship, although
he knew Courtney would know he was talking about them.
He was hoping that if he wrote her without being pushy
about his feelings for her, then maybe, just maybe he
could begin to rebuild their fragile relationship.
Even if he had to start off as just friends, he was
certain that in time he would make her realize just
how much they still loved each other and how they were
meant to be.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A few days after running into Emily at the market,
they arranged for Emily to come over for lunch to
finally meet Dylan. They sat on Courtney’s sun porch
in the back, relaxing and sipping lemonade as they
watched Dylan play in his sandbox. Emily couldn’t
believe how sweet and adorable that little boy was. It
mad her yearn for her and Nikolas to start their own
family as soon as possible.
“I’m so glad I finally got to meet Dylan. He’s such a
doll.” Emily laughed as Dylan dumped a bucket full of
sand on his head. Courtney laughed as well, groaning
to herself when she thought about how hard it was
going to be to get all the sand out of his hair and
ears later that night.
“He’s my world. I can’t imagine what my life would be
like without him.”
“I can’t wait to start a family.”
“How long are you going to wait?”
“We aren’t going to wait if I have anything to say
about it. Just being around Dylan today makes me
realize just how desperately I want children. I can
just picture Nikolas chasing our son around and around
in our back yard as I nurse our daughter in my arms.”
she sighed heavily. “It’s going to be perfect.”
“I’m so happy for you Emily. I can’t wait to meet the
guy.”
“I know. I wish he could have come this trip, but he
had to stay in New York to take care of some business
with his creepy old uncle.”
“His creepy old uncle??” Courtney laughed at Emily’s
description.
She shuddered visibly, “If you were around him for
just two seconds, you would know what I’m talking
about. Stephan is the most evil, conniving man I’ve
ever had the terrible fortune of meeting.”
“If he’s so terrible, why does Nikolas have anything
to do with him?”
“Well, Nikolas swears up and down that deep
down…..VERY deep down, Stephan really cares about him.
All of his evil ways are his way of proving his
love….in a very sick way anyway.”
“I’m confused.”
“Nikolas was raised by the Cassadine’s. They are a
very rich and powerful family, and they did some not
so great things in the past to stay that way. Nikolas
was raised by Stephan, his uncle. He was taken from
his mother at birth. He was almost an adult before he
found his mother and realized he also had a brother
and a little sister. Laura is amazing. She’s
beautiful, intelligent, and brave. She was thrilled
when she finally had Nikolas back in her life. Her
other son Lucky, wasn’t very thrilled at first, but
now he and Nikolas are great friends. Lulu, his
sister, is just a little doll. Luke, Laura’s husband,
wasn’t thrilled about Nikolas either, but he’s
accepted him back into their lives. Luke, Laura, Lulu,
Lucky, and Lucky’s girlfriend Summer are the only
people from his side that he wants at the wedding.
Needless to say, Stephan isn’t too thrilled about our
wedding. He knows how much Nikolas loves me and that
Nikolas would choose me over the Cassadine’s.”
“Sounds like you have your work cut out for you,
sweetie.”
“I’m not afraid of Stephan. As long as I have Nikolas,
I know everything will be okay.”
“I certainly hope so.” Courtney smiled as Dylan came
running towards them.
“Emlee, come pway wif me.”
“Honey, Emily might not want to get dirty.”
“Are you kidding? There’s nothing more fun in this
world then getting dirty.” Emily winked at Dylan as
she scooped him up and swung him around. Dylan
squealed with delight. Courtney watched as they played
in the dirt. Emily couldn’t stop laughing as Dylan
dumped tons and tons of sand down her back and her all
over her hair. Before they knew it, the sun was
beginning to set and it was suppertime.
“Okay, Dylan. I need to give you a bath before dinner,
and it’s time you let poor Emily rest some. I think
you wore her out.”
“Okay Mommy. Is Emlee stay for dinner?”
“You’d have to ask Emily that.”
“If you’re Mommy has some other clothes for me to
change into and I can take a quick shower too then you
have a date.”
“Yay! Pwease Mommy.”
“Of course. Come on, let’s get inside.” Half and hour
later, they were sitting at the kitchen table eating
pizza Courtney had delivered. Dylan was halfway
through his second piece when his little eyes began to
drift shut.
“Aw, look at him” Emily gushed. “I swear Courtney.
He’s just too precious for words.”
“Thank you. He adores you too you know. I just know
when you go home he’s going to be asking about you
constantly.”
“I’m really going to miss you guys. Being home had
definitely made me realize just how much I miss it.”
“Do you miss it enough to give up your posh job in
Manhattan to come home?”
Emily laughed, “I wouldn’t go that far. It does make
me realize that I don’t come home as often as I should
and that needs to change.”
“Good,” Courtney smiled. “We can definitely stand to
see your face around her more often.”
“That’s nice to know,” she laughed. “Next time I come
home I’ll bring Nikolas so you can meet him.”
“I hope so. You’re marrying this guy and I have no
clue what he even looks like.” Emily jumped up and
grabbed her purse. She returned to the table with a
picture.
“Here. This was taken a couple months ago when we were
in Central Park.” Courtney took the picture from
Emily. The guy in the picture was very handsome. He
had dark olive skin, deep brown eyes, and a very
strong muscular build you could see as he held Emily
up in his arms. His smile lit up his face, and even in
the picture you could see just how much he loves
Emily.
“He’s so handsome Em.”
“I know,” she gushed happily. “Oh Courtney, I just
love him so much.” A deep blush crept into her cheeks,
“And the sex is incredible.”
Courtney’s mouth dropped in surprise, “Emily! I’m
shocked to hear you speak of such things.”
“Come on Court, we’re both adults here.” Courtney
stood and picked a sleeping Dylan up in her arms.
“I think I’m going to lay Dylan in bed before this
conversation goes any further.” A few minutes later
she returned, taking her place beside Emily at the
table.
“So come on, just how many men have you been with?”
It was Courtney’s turn to blush, “I can’t believe
we’re having this conversation.” She paused for a
moment before she continued, “I’ve only been with two
men.”
“Zack and Jason?” Courtney nodded her head.
“You’re turn.”
“Well, Zander was my first. Since him it’s been
Charlie, but he was a big mistake. I caught him in bed
with a girlfriend from college right after he told me
he loved me. Then there’s Nikolas. He’s really the one
Court. I know it.”
“I may not know Nikolas, but I can tell how happy he’s
made you. As long as he continues to make you happy,
then he’s okay in my book.”
They continued to talk for hours. When they finally
looked at the clock it was after midnight.
“Goodness. I didn’t realize how much time had gone by.
I guess I’d better be getting back to the house before
my parents send out a search party.”
“I had such a good time today, and I know Dylan did
too. Please don’t stay away so long again.”
Emily pulled her in for a tight hug, “I promise. Give
Dylan a big kiss for me and tell him I promise to come
by soon before I head back to the city.”
“I will. Goodnight Emily.”
“Goodnight Court.”
After she left, Courtney somehow felt lonelier than
she’d felt in a very long time. Spending the night
with Emily had made her realize just how much she
really wanted to find the happiness Emily found with
Nikolas. Could she finally let go of her guilt and let
herself be free to give her love to the one person how
always owned her heart?

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