*A/N Hi, everyone. I still can’t get onto the message boards so I don’t know if I got any feedback. I’m going to have everyone email me their feedback at OBXAllie@aol.com but put “Heaven Can Wait” in the subject line or it will get deleted. I know that there hasn’t been any Journey yet, but there will be soon, I promise.

By the way: Nicholas never lost his memory in the car accident. Sonny and Carly are back together. Sam left town before this chapter, and Carly knows that Sam’s baby is Sonny’s.

Chapter

Jason woke up with a stiff neck. The folded letter was still in his lap. Sunlight flooded into the room. Jason went to the door that led out to the balcony. He heard birds chirping and people laughing as he opened the doors.

‘How dare people be happy, when I’m so miserable!’ he thought. ‘How dare the sun shine when SHE isn’t her to see it with ME!

Jealousy, anger, loneliness, rage, despair and a sense of loss took over him. He was on the verge of breaking down. He couldn’t take any of it anymore. He hated when people smiled. He hated it even more when people pitied him or told him he was better off without Courtney. What did they know? He hated that people could be happy when he was so damn miserable!

He was mad, but he didn’t blame himself, Courtney, or anyone else, except God.

“Why are you doing this to me? Do you hate me that much? Am I that horrible of a person that you want to torture me before you let me die?” Jason yelled.

He was so angry that he started overturning all the furniture. Chairs, tables, beds, dressers, nightstands, and his desk were all victims of his fury. He didn’t feel any better. He broke glasses, plates, bowls, and mirrors. Still not better. After destroying most everything with a few exceptions, including his pool table and her letter, Jason finally sank to the floor in the middle of his living room.

.*.

Sonny and Carly had both been awaken by the sound of their best friend trashing his home. They sat in silence on their couch until they knew it was ‘safe’ to go over.

Carly knew that last Sunday had been hard for Jason. It was Father’s Day. He and Courtney should have had a three-month-old baby now. If it hadn’t been for Alcazar, they would all be happy now.

About five minutes after the bangs and crashes next door had ceased, Sonny spoke up. “It’s been so hard for him lately. I mean the baby, then the separation and Brian, the divorce, and then Courtney just disappears into thin air! It’s amazing that Jason lasted this long before he lost it,” Sonny said solemnly.

“Should I go see him, or do you want to?” Carly asked.

“Maybe you should. You know, I didn’t approve of their relationship at first and I don’t think that he’ll really want to talk to me. Plus, I can’t deal with my own breakdowns, how could I help him with his?” Sonny said to Carly and she went to go check on Jason.

.*.

Carly walked into Jason’s penthouse to find him sitting on the floor, exhausted. He stared into space with a blank expression. She walked from room to room to find glass shattered on floors, furniture overturned, and everything but the toilets and sinks strewn around the rooms.

Carly went back out to the living room and sat down next to her friend. She was careful not to sit on pieces of the broken mirror that had been hurled across the room. “Jason?” she said trying to get his attention.

“I just can’t do this anymore, Carly, I just can’t,” Jason stated never looking at the woman next to him. His voice was tear filled and near a whisper.

“I know, Jason, I know,” Carly whispered. She did know, because she missed Courtney too. Not as much as Jason must, but she did miss her. She wasn’t going to say ‘It’s ok,’ because it wasn’t. It wasn’t ok for her, for Sonny or Mike, for Michael or Morgan, and especially not for Jason. They all felt the pain.

“How about we go and get some breakfast at Kelly’s then we can go and get you some new cue sticks,” Carly suggested as she pointed to the broken pieces of wood on the floor. “While we’re out, I can have someone clean this place up, ok?” Carly offered.

Jason just nodded and the pair headed out the door.

.*.

Carly walked into her penthouse three hours later. Jason hadn’t eaten very mush at Kelly’s and had refused to shop for new things for his penthouse. Carly had dropped Jason off at the loft and left one of the guards with him. Carly was afraid that he might hurt himself. Sonny came down the stairs as Carly walked in the door.

“How’s Jason?” He asked.

“I don’t think that he’s doing to well with all this,” Carly answered. “He didn’t eat much at Kelly’s. He had me drop him off at the loft and I left Marco with him,” she added.

“I think he needs to get away for a while,” Sonny said. His best friend had been having such a hard time. Sonny thought a change in scenery might do Jason some good.

“Yeah. I’m gonna go see how the clean up next door is going,” Carly responded.

.*.

Jason walked into their loft; no it belonged solely to Courtney now. He hadn’t been there since the night Courtney left. He walked from room to room letting the memories rush over him.

As he thought about their relationship, he decided that even if he could he wouldn’t change a second of it. All their moments made them what they were, even the bad parts. The only thing he would change is the last time they had dinner as a married couple. He wanted to change that night. He shouldn’t have followed her. If he hadn’t, they would be together right now.

Jason blamed Lorenzo Alcazar for all of their problems. That bastard had forced Courtney to lose their baby. He kidnapped her. He wrecked Sonny and Carly’s marriage. He nearly killed Sonny Carly and Morgan on his and Courtney’s wedding! Yet Courtney wouldn’t let Jason kill Alcazar after all he had done. Jason just couldn’t understand it.

“A woman’s mind is so complex!” Jason muttered to himself. He decided that he wanted to stay at the loft for a while. It held the best of best of memories. It was the first place that ever felt like home to him.

Jason felt calm there. He turned on the radio as a song started to play.

I need some sleep

I can’t go on like this

I tried countin’ sheep

But there’s one I always miss

Everyone says I’m gettin’ down too low

Everyone says, “Ya just gotta let it go”  

Ya just gotta let it go

Just gotta let it go

That’s what was happening to Jason. His grief was taking over his life, and if he couldn’t be with Courtney that’s what he wanted. Everyone was pushing him to move on, but he didn’t want to move on.

I need some sleep

Time to put the old horse down

I’m in too deep

And the wheels keep spinnin’ round

Everyone says I’m gettin’ down too low

Everyone says, “Ya just gotta let it go”  

Ya just gotta let it go

Just gotta let it go

Jason’s day was a routine now. ‘Get up. See Sonny. Follow her. Confront him. Go to bed.’ Then he did it all again the next day. There was no light. Nothing to look forward to. Courtney had been his light, his reason for being.

Just gotta let it go

Just gotta let it go

Just gotta let it go

*Song credits ~  ‘I Need Some Sleep’ Eels

.*.

“Are you sure you can’t come?” Emily asked into the phone. It was Nicholas. He was supposed to go to a fundraiser out of state with her this weekend. “Alright, I’ll call you when my plane lands in Madison. Love you too. Bye,” She said hanging up.

Emily really didn’t want to go alone. She resolved to call her brother Jason and ask him to come with her. He has been hurting since Courtney disappeared and Emily thought that some place new might help him.

Emily dialed Jason’s cell phone number.

“Morgan,” her brother answered. He sounded stern, not like the Jason she knew, gentle and loyal. This was the voice he used for business. When it was just the two of them, he came out of enforcer mode. He let her see what his emotions, well mostly. The only person who could really get to him was Courtney.

“Hey Jase, It’s Emily,” She greeted.

“Hey. What’s up?” Jason’s voice was no longer icy. It was always good to hear from his sister.

“I wanted to know if I can meet you somewhere. I have a question,” Emily told her brother.

“Ok, anywhere particular?” He asked.

“Well where are you now?” Emily inquired.

“I’m at the loft,” Jason replied in a soft voice.

Emily was silent. She knew that Jason was happy there and she felt guilty for interrupting.

“Can you meet me here in five minutes?” Jason asked. He didn’t want to leave this place where he felt so safe.

“Sure,” Emily said. The siblings said their good-byes and hung up.

.*.

Emily and Jason met at the loft. It wasn’t too hard for Emily to convince Jason to come with her. It was around 11:30 that Jason finally left the loft to go pack. He met Emily at the airport at noon and their plane left at one.

The plane ride went well. Jason started to lighten up. The pair did mad-libs. They were very funny and they laughed so hard that the people behind them kicked their seats and told them to ‘shut up.’ They only laughed harder.

Jason and Emily left the airport immediately after arriving. They only stopped to grab their bags, two sodas, and a phone call home. They shuffled out the doors, towards their rental car.

“So where are we actually staying?” Jason asked as he buckled himself into the red PTCruiser.

“We are staying with the group that the fund-raiser is for,” Emily said. “You’ll like all the people. There’s a whole mess of kids and a few adults. They will take all the help they can get.”

“How many people are there?” Jason questioned.

“Twenty kids, ages two to eighteen, and three adults,” Emily answered. “I feel bad for the new woman who takes care of the youngest kids, Ms. M. I’m told that as soon as she got there, she became immediately attached to this one little girl, Janine. Janine just died.” Emily voice softened and Jason knew that Emily too had been attached to the girl. Em had been there the year before.

The rest of the car ride was silent.

.*.

Courtney watched for the car that held the guests that would be staying for the weekend. She waited as Marie and Angela picked out the dresses they wanted to wear.

“Miss M., can I wear this one?” Angela asked holding up a dress. The girl held a light green sundress with yellow and white flowers on it.

“Don’t you think that’s a little much? Everyone else is wearing jeans and a tee-shirt,” Courtney said.

“Please,” the girl pleaded.

“Fine, come here, Angie, so I can help you put it on,” Courtney always caved so easily.

.*.

Courtney walked upstairs after all of her kids were dressed. Angie and Marie wore the same green dresses. Clair wore a jean-skirt and tee shirt and Matt wore jeans and a tee shirt like the rest of the kids. Matt, Clair, and the twins went over and sat in front of all the other kids, while Courtney went and stood next to Anna and Madison. The three adults stood off to the side and waited for their guests.

The knob on the door turned…