Title: I'm Not Okay
Author: Lindsey
Feedback: Socrbabie15@aol.com
Rating: PG
Category: Long
Type: Angst
Summary: This takes place after Courtney tells Jason about the miscarriage. Jason and Courtney are both grieving over the loss of their child, but Courtney feels Jason is bottling up his feelings. When Jason finally opens up about everything that is bothering him will Courtney be able to handle it? Will they be able to come out of this together?
Courtney is not addicted to drugs nor did she get attacked by Alcazars men.
Emily is married to Zander and is dying of cancer.

Chapter 1

Jason walked through the door after being out all day and saw Courtney sitting on the balcony staring out at the stars.

"Hey," she whispered.

'Hey, what are you doing out here, it's freezing cold," Jason said as he tried to put his leather jacket around her , but Courtney pulled away before he could do so and walked back inside.

'I've just been doing a lot of thinking with all the alone time I've had a lately," Those last few words hit Jason hard.

'I'm sorry I've been away for a while, it's just with Emily being sick I really want to be there for her before..." Jason stopped. He knew if he said the words he would break down into tears and the last person he wanted him to see lose it was her.

"I know Jase, it's just that....since we can't seem to sit down and talk about our lose I just thought I could at least be there to help you through this ordeal with Emily, but instead you shut me out."

"I'm not trying to shut you out; I just think you're going through so much right now that you don't need to deal with anything else."

"What I'm going through?" That was it. That was all Courtney could take. She had sat in their PH for the last couple of days grieving for both of them trying to figure out why Jason was not showing one ounce of emotion and she finally knew. In his eyes he hadn't lost anything.

"What about what we're going Jason?" Courtney started to raise her voice." I'm not the only one who lost a child here."

"I didn't mean..." Jason started out

"Yes you did... and that's what I want to hear, the truth. You've been so great at telling me what I NEED to here and what I WANT to hear but nothing you've said is how you feel, until now." Tears began to form in Courtney's eyes but she couldn't stop now all the emotions had been pent up inside her for too long and she had to let them out.

"Everything I say seems to make matters worse for you Courtney, no matter how HARD I try to comfort you it doesn't make anything better, I don't know what to do. I don't want to make you suffer anymore." Jason said trying to stay calm.

"I'm suffering without." Courtney couldn't contain her tears anymore. "You haven't been here since the day I told you, at least not completely. You blame me for the miscarriage and for not telling you, I know you do, but you just want to spare my feelings."

"Courtney it was an acc...Jason started to say, but was cut off by a yelling Courtney.

"STOP IT!!!" Courtney screamed." Just stop sugarcoating every word that comes out of your mouth. I want the truth, is that too much to ask?"

"Well apparently to you it is," Jason finally lost his cool. He was done being the punching bag. She wanted honesty he was going to give it to her. In those moments he didn't care about how she felt. He was finally going to tell her how he felt and what he was going through no matter how much it hurt her.

The words shocked Courtney. She had been pushing Jason to be honest with her and when she finally got what she wanted she wasn't prepared for it.

"Apparently honesty was too much for you to do," Jason began. I didn't even know you were pregnant." tears forming in Jason's eye. He didn't care about the tough guy act he portrayed he was in agony. "YOU decided it was too much for me too handle, you made the decision to get keep me in the dark. I've kept a lot of secrets in my life, but this... I don't want to be angry with you..."

"Yeah well you made the decision to leave me in S.A," Courtney said angrily

by this time Jason was confused. First she was blaming herself for the miscarriage and now she was blaming him.

"Courtney, I don't get you. First you blame yourself and now you're blaming me… look I don't want to do this, I don't want to fight with you anymore, I just want to be with you," Jason said with sincerity.

"No, we're being honest here so let's continue. I know I shouldn't have gone to S.A and it I shouldn't have jumped off the boat, but you....YOU left me with Alcazar."

"Courtney I had no choice, it was either you or..." Jason was trying to explain to her the reason for his decision but Courtney already knew why.

"Carly," She simply stated.

"Courtney that's not fair."

"You're right because no matter what situation you're put in Carly will always be your number one priority," Courtney said regaining the strength she had in the beginning on the conversation.

Chapter 2

"She had been held hostage for months! I wasn't about to let her go back to that," Jason screamed after being in complete astonishment that Courtney could even say such a thing as her not being his number one priority.

"This is why I couldn't tell you! You were so focused on finding Carly and any shear joy you would have had about our baby would have been out the door in 5 seconds. It wasn't fair to me or our child," Courtney said helplessly hoping he would realize that she didn't intentionally make a decision for him, but made a decision that was best for her child.

"Was it fair to our child when you flew to S.A after I told you not too? Do you honestly think I would have left you a lone in a hotel in S.A pregnant knowing Alcazars men could come at any minute and hurt you or the baby?" Did you really think I didn't love you enough to protect you and our baby?

Jason left it like that and walked out the door. Courtney was in complete denial over the events that had just occurred. She felt a sense of relief come over her. She needed to hear what Jason was feeling but she got more than she bargained for. She was so worn out she didn't even have the strength to stop Jason from leaving. She had no more tears to cry, she was all cried out. She went up stairs and drifted into a deep sleep.

Couple hours later...

He let out a huge sigh of relief walking through the door noticing she wasn't waiting up for him. This past couples of days and tonight's chaos were too much for him to handle. He had to get out the penthouse, so he took his motorcycle and just rode. He didn't care where he went or if anyone was looking for him, he just needed to be by himself. He put his jacket on the chair and headed to the couch. He contemplated going upstairs to his bed, but he'd figured they both needed space after what had occurred a few hours earlier.

Next day

Courtney wanted to get a head start on her day without running into Jason so she quickly got dressed and walked out the door silently. She had a doctor's appointment with Dr. Meadows about fertility treatments and a possible surgery to help repair the damage to her reproductive system. She had been going to Dr. Meadows since she found out she miscarried. Jason was clueless to it partly because he was never home and also she didn't want to see the look on his face if every option failed.

"Good Morning Courtney," Dr. Meadows said cheerfully trying to keep all hope for Courtney. She felt sorry for her. She was so young and vibrant and deserved to have a full life with children included. She was going to do everything possible to help Courtney get through this.

"I know you must have tons of questions running through your mind and I'd be happy to help you with any issues you might be having."

"All I want to know is when I can have the surgery," Courtney stated firmly

"The surgery is not a guarantee and you need to realize that the surgery could be a failure," Dr. Meadows stated clearly with all seriousness.

"I understand and accept the terms, so I'm asking you Dr. Meadows when is the best available time to have the surgery," Courtney said trying to contain the irritation that was building in her.

"This is a serious decision that shouldn't be rushed. I'm going to set you up with a therapist I know. This sort of decisions can put a strain on any relationship and it is best if you see a counselor first."

'Thank you Dr. Meadows but i don't need to see a counselor i just need to be able to have children, "Courtney shook Dr. Meadow's hand and left her office in disappointment.

Jason was still asleep when Carly came barging through the door looking for Sonny.

"Oh sorry Jase, I thought Sonny would be here because usually you're the first person he goes to see."

"It's ok, but next time could you please knock. Just once Carly, could you just do what I ask."

Carly knew something was up and had an idea that it had to do with Courtney since she was no where to be seen and she is usually the first one to greet Carly when she makes her daily appearances.

"What happened," Carly asked with deep concern knowing Jason hadn't gotten any sleep with the look on his face.

"Courtney and I had a huge fight last night. "

"I'm sorry Jase, is there anything I can do?"

"I don't think there's anything even I can do. The damage has been done. I just couldn't believe the amount of anger each of us had built up."

"What exactly was said?" Carly said getting very worried that whatever happened last night could very well be the end of Jason and Courtney.

"I think this is the end of us," Jason just stared off in space after realizing what he had just said. Did he really think it was over between them? Did losing their child destroy them?

Chapter 3

Courtney finished her breakfast at Kelly's and walked down to the docks. She sat on the bench and took in all her surroundings. It had been days since she felt the cool air against her. She was suffocating in the penthouse and today for the first time she felt like she was breathing again.

"Hey Courtney," Courtney turned around to see who the person behind her was and it was the last person she had wanted to see….Elizabeth.

"What do you want?" Courtney asked not in the mood to talk especially to Elizabeth.

"Just passing through, sorry for being polite," Elizabeth started to walk away but then heard a wince of cries coming from Courtney. She knew if she turned around Courtney would give her grief for sticking around, but she couldn't just leave her there alone on the docks crying.

"Courtney. Is everything ok?'

"Hahaha, yeah everything is just great," Courtney said sarcastically as she wiped the tears falling from her face.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not in particular," and with that said Elizabeth just kept on her way.

"How did it feel?" Courtney blurted out quickly.

"How did what feel?" Elizabeth replied as she made her way back to the bench.

"When you told Ric you were pregnant, how did you feel?"

Elizabeth was stunned. She wasn't sure why Courtney had asked her that, but she was curious enough to respond.

"I was relieved when I first told him and scared at the same time. I was afraid he would react horribly but he didn't. He was the complete opposite. When I saw him smile my heart just skipped and an enormous amount of joy came over me. I realized we were going to be a family; I was going to have a baby. I couldn't stop saying that, it just seemed so surreal. I knew in my heart he would've been a great dad." Tears started to form as the short lived memories of her baby came floating back into her mind.

Elizabeth sat down on the bench and put her arms around Courtney as she cried helplessly.

"I knew Jason would have been a great dad," Courtney began." I took that away from him, I took away his child."

Elizabeth was shocked. Courtney had been pregnant with Jason's child. Wait…had been?

Elizabeth stuttered with the words, but finally managed to get them out." You were pregnant?"

"Not even for a week. I couldn't protect my child and because of my stupid decisions, I lost my baby."

Elizabeth paused for a moment taking in all the information that had just been given to her. She knew what Courtney was going through and felt she had to tell Courtney she's not a lone.

"I understand what you're going through. Sometimes I think if I had just stayed home that night and let Ric work out his issues with Sonny, I would still have my child," Elizabeth by now was also starting to cry.

"I know I wasn't pregnant for long, but from the minute I knew, I was connected to that little one. I had an obligation to protect my child and I couldn't do it. I couldn't do something as simple as staying home out of harms way. I made a mistake and I thought I would get a second chance but…Courtney lost it tears began to fall everywhere. She couldn't get herself to say she might not ever be able to have children. Her biggest dream had become her worst nightmare.

Courtney got up from the bench beginning to walk away, but was stopped by Elizabeth.

"Don't do this to yourself. It happened. You just have to learn how to deal. It's hard and it's painful, and sometimes you wonder if you'll be able to make it through another day, but you have to. The world isn't going to stop moving, neither should you. Right now, more than ever you're going to need Jason." Elizabeth saw a look of terror come across Courtney's face as she said those last few words.

"Omigod Elizabeth I…I pushed him away. I blamed him for everything, oh I was so awful!" Courtney said in terror thinking how could she have been so cruel to him. She became conscious of the words she said to him and the effect it must have had on him.

"I think that was it. I think we're over Elizabeth," Courtney began to sob and all Elizabeth could do was hold her and tell her everything would be ok.

Chapter 4

"Jason what do you mean you think it's over?' Carly asked both confused and worried. "Do you not love her anymore?"

"Of course I still love her, but she lied to me, she kept her pregnancy hidden from me. How do you think that makes me feel?' Carly could tell Jason's anger was building as he said the words lie and hid. She knew trust was a big issue for him and even the slightest betrayal could tip him off.

"You have every right to be mad at her Jase; something this big of course is going to anger you but giving up is not the answer."

"I'm not the one pulling away. No matter what I say or do it's not enough for her. I was at the hospital with my dying sister and she acts if I'm purposely avoiding her. I just can't deal with it right now."

"Jason…she's going through an emotional time right now. She's afraid you're going to leave her because she can't conceive. She loves you more than anything Jase and if you love her you're not going to let her push you away. She can't give you a family. She can't give you the most precious gift, a baby. She's failed you in her eyes. She doesn't feel she's worthy of your love.

"I don't care about that," Jason started to say but was interrupted by Carly.

"Oh please Jason, you're going to tell me you're not the least upset that you can't have children?"

"Yeah I wanted to have kids... but it can't happen, Jason stared down at the floor it was so hard for him to come terms with that. "But I still want to be with her, if we can't have a kid that's fine, we'll cut our losses."

"It's easier said than done Jase...easier said than done," and with that Carly got up and left Jason to wonder if not being dad wasn't as easy to deal with .

Elizabeth held Courtney in her arms and just let her cry. Elizabeth always thought a good cry made everyone feel better, so she didn't speak and just listened to the pain that Courtney was letting out.

"Oh gosh, look at me, you must think I'm real pathetic," said a red eyed Courtney, embarrassed that she had let Elizabeth Webber see her cry.

"I won't tell if you won't," Elizabeth smiled.

"Well I really should get back home, I'm sure Jason must be wondering where I am." Courtney knew it probably wasn't true, but she had a little bit of hope that it was.

"Yeah I should get to work, but hey…if you ever need to talk….I'm here, even if all you need to do is cry."

"Thanks Liz." For the first time Courtney didn't look at Liz as the girl who defended the slime ball Ric, but as a sweet compassionate girl who helped her out in a time of need when she didn't have to.

"Oh and by the way…Jason's a great guy and I know he loves you with all his heart. Don't let him go." With that Liz walked off and made her way to Kelly's.

Courtney just stood on the docks. What if it's too late? What if the damage was too bad to repair? She quickly rushed home to fix what she had done.

Chapter 5

Jason hadn't moved from the couch. All these thoughts had been rushing through his head. He didn't know what to do. For the first time Jason Morgan didn't have a solution. He always knew what to do in any situation. That's what made him such a valuable enforcer, but now he was speechless. He didn't know how this was going to play out and it scared him. As he continued to sit there he was interrupted by the phone.

"Hello?"

"Jason, its Monica. Emily is getting worse, she's not going to make it through the night. She really wants to see you."

"I'll be right there, "and with that Jason rushed out the door to PH4 to tell Carly where he'd be and then made a dash down the stairs and headed off to General Hospital.

Courtney walked into her penthouse for not even more than 5 seconds when Carly makes her way through the door.

"Look Courtney I know Jason and you are having problems right now, but Jason needs you."

'Carly I'm really not in the mood right now for your advice and what goes on between Jason and I is none of your business."

"Ok I'm going to let that slide because I know you're having a bad day but Jason is at the hospital and he needs you to be there for him."

"Is Emily ok?" Courtney asked with a concern look on her face.

"She's not doing so good, doctors say she might not make it and Jason, well you know Jason he's trying to act all strong but really inside he's dying and he has no one to go to."

"He has you obviously." Courtney said bitterly.

"Ok you know what, fine you want to be selfish and sit here in your little penthouse feeling sorry for yourself go ahead because I'm done. You want to push Jason away go ahead I give you props because you're doing a hell of a job. The one man that loves you more than life itself is sitting in a hospital waiting to hear if his sister is dead yet. He is alone when his FINACEE should be there with him. Why are you being like this? Jason lost a child too and he is in as much pain as you are. Don't do this. You can hate the world, hell if it makes you feel better you can let your anger out on me, everyone else does but Jason doesn't deserve it. Now, I'm going to go be with MY friend and help him through this and you….you just sit here." Carly got up angrily and stormed out the door. Why was Courtney acting like this? She didn't understand but right now her mind was focused on Jason and what she could do for him.

Courtney stood motionless. Carly was right. The whole time Courtney was feeling sorry for herself and she couldn't even see the pain Jason was going through with his sister. She felt so stupid. She knew Jason loved her, how she could ever doubt that baffled her. All she could think is if she screwed up the best thing in her life there was no way she could go on living with herself. Courtney rushed out the door to the elevator.

Where are you headed to Ms. Matthews?" Johnny asked.

"To the hospital… to be with Jason," Courtney smiled as she stepped onto the elevator.

Chapter 6

"Hey Emily, "Jason whispered as he quietly opened the door not wanting to make too much noise.

"Jason…I'm so glad you're here," Emily said barely getting the words out of her mouth. "I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to you."

"Em…" Jason said

"No, before you say anything I just want you to know that I love you and I'm so thankful for having you as my brother. You took me in as your sisters and loved…"Emily began to cry. "You loved me completely."

"I was lucky to have you as my sister. You loved me through all my faults and were always there for me. You're a part of me. Having you in my life was a blessing and I'm so much better for it." Jason tried to contain the tears that were building up inside him. He didn't want his sister's last memory of him crying.

"Jason?" Emily asked "Can you do something for me?

"Anything."

"Can you…Emily had to stop to breathe for a moment. It was hard for her to make complete sentences without stopping to catch her breath." Can you help me make it ok for everyone to let me go?"

Jason had a confused look on his face at first but then he realized what she meant. She wanted to make it ok for everyone to let her die. The word die rang through his head before he realized he was crying.

"Don't cry Jase, it's my time, my life has come to a complete stop… I'm just not ready to go." Emily began to cry. She was too young to die. She didn't understand why this was happening to her.

"You know people are given gifts in life that leave a lasting impression. You're a gift Em. You brought joy into people's lives where there was darkness. You saw the good in people when others didn't. You will be remembered for your kindness and your sincerity." Tears were slowly falling down Jason's face.

Emily just looked at him for a moment. She could see the sadness in his eyes and she wished she could make it ok for him.

"I can't imagine this world with you not in it. I don't know how I'm going to get by without you" Jason couldn't even speak anymore. His emotions had gotten the best of him.

"I love you Jason, I will always love you. You know the hardest thing to do in this world…is live. So live Jase...for ….me.

The monitor went flat. Jason looked at the monitor and looked back at Emily. His little sister was gone. At that moment his whole life came crashing down. He put his head on her stomach and just cried as the monitor kept ringing.

"Courtney rushed through the elevator of General hospital to the main desk.

"I need to know what room Emily Quartermaine is in."

Before the nurse could tell her she saw Alan Quartermaine holding a crying Monica in his arms as she screamed." Not my daughter, please god not her!!"

Courtney knew Emily had passed away. She looked to her left and saw Gia consoling Emily's husband Zander. Next to them were Lucky and Elizabeth holding each other in disbelief. The Quatermaine clan stood in silence. Their dear sweet Emily had been taken from them. No one could understand why. Courtney snapped back to reality when she saw Carly who glanced over at Emily's door. She nodded her head as if telling her Jason's in there. Go…be with him.

Jason still had his head of Emily's stomach when he heard the door open. He turned to see the woman he loved. The love of his life was here when he needed her the most. Neither of them said a word. She just walked over to him and grabbed his hand and in that moment everything that was between them vanished. They just sat there with Courtney holding Jason as he cried.

It was about midnight when Jason and Courtney arrived back at their penthouse. They had been silent the whole way home. Jason was the first to break that silence.

"Thank you for being there tonight."

"I wish there was more that I could do," Courtney replied quietly.

"Just being there was enough."

"Jason…"

"Courtney could we please just…sit out on the balcony together and just watch the stars?" Jason asked. All he needed was to have her with him to comfort him when he was at his weakest. He never liked having her see him cry, but tonight was different. Tonight he didn't care who was around him or what was going on. The world didn't exist to him tonight.

"Yeah, of course we can," Courtney said.

Jason grabbed her hand and led her to the balcony where they sat under the moonlight. Courtney stroked Jason's head as he lay on her lap. She listened to him breathe and she felt at ease. As he drifted to sleep she quietly whispered in his ear "I love you," and kissed him softly.

Chapter 7

Courtney was still asleep on the balcony when she awoke alone. She figured Jason had probably gone of to work. She knew he wasn't going to be able to stay at home all day. She walked back inside and took a shower. When she got out of the shower there was a message on the answering machine.

"Hey Jason its Monica, I just wanted to call and tell you we've set a date for Emily's funeral. It will be Sunday at St. John's. The family will be all riding together in a limo; we hope you will be with us. I'll talk to you later."

Sunday

"We are gathered here today to say goodbye to our dear beloved Emily Quartermaine. She filled many lives with joy and happiness. There is no amount of words to describe how deeply she will be missed. No one understands why things happen to good people. We ask ourselves how God could take someone so young and vibrant who had her whole life ahead of her from us. It's a mystery we'll never understand. Emily may not be here with us anymore but she is felt in our hearts. She has left an everlasting imprint in us so we may never forget what she gave to us." After the Pastor finished his closing sermon, family and friends one by one dropped Emily's favorite flowers, tulips on her casket. When they were all done they lowered her coffin into the ground.

As everyone got in their cars to head back to the Quartermaine's house, Courtney stayed to look for Jason. She hadn't seen him once except at the church. She was worried about him. She knew he wouldn't be riding back with the Quartermaines. She had a feeling he would stay with Emily.

"Hey sis," Jason quietly said.

"Your funeral was…nice. A lot of people came. You were loved by many." Jason dropped to the ground and started to cry.

"Emily I miss you so much. I can't do this without you. I don't know how to live life without you. You gave me so much and I can't help but think I gave you so little. I couldn't fight this for you, I let you down. I wish I could have taken away your pain. Everyone keeps saying God has a reason for everything, well screw God. He took you away!! You had your whole life ahead of you and he took that away!!"

As Jason wept at his sister's tomb a hand was placed on his shoulder. He turned to see Courtney standing over him. She had heard everything he said.

"Courtney. I thought you had left with everyone," Jason was now trying to wipe the tears from his face.

"I stayed, I knew you would be here," Courtney said softly.

"Well I'm okay, so we can go,' Jason started to get up and leave but Courtney stopped him

"Don't do this Jason. Don't bottle up your feelings inside. Let it out, even if it's only a small amount, it's better than shutting down. You taught me that."

"I'm fine Courtney."

"No you're not. You just lost you sister Jason I hardly consider that as being fine." Courtney was now starting to raise her voice.


"I don't want to this Courtney, can we just go please?" Jason just desperately wanted to leave. He wasn't sure how much he could take.

"If you're angery then be angry. Yell at me if it will make you feel better. Jason I'm begging you please don't close off your feelings."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? Jason screamed. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALRIGHT! I don't understand how she could be here one minute laughing, drinking fruit punch and brushing her hair and now she's not here and I keeping thinking she won't ever be able to laugh or smile or brush her hair and I don't understand why!"

Courtney was in complete shock. She had never seen Jason this way.

"I let her down; I couldn't fight this for her. I failed her the same way I failed you."

Courtney's head shot up when he said those last words.

"Jason, you didn't fail me," Courtney said tearfully.

"Yes I did, I couldn't protect you and our child. That's why you didn't tell me because you knew I wouldn't be able to keep you safe. I'm so sorry Courtney, I'm so sorry I let you and our child down."

Courtney started to cry but she regained her strength, grabbed Jason's face and looked into his blue eyes.

"You listen to me Jason Morgan. You did not fail our child and you certainly didn't fail Emily. You are an amazing brother, and you would have been an amazing dad. We both made mistakes on our child's part but in NO WAY did you make any mistakes with Emily. She admired you and loved you with all her heart. I don't know why this happened, but I do know that Emily is up there with our baby and they're looking down on us, watching over us, making sure we're ok."

Jason and Courtney put their heads together and looked into each others eyes.

"I know it's going to be hard to move on from this but we can do it…together. I love you Jason Morgan with my whole heart. I'm not going to give up on us." Courtney was trying to stay strong for the both of them, but she couldn't help but cry.

Jason looked up into her eyes and said "I love you Courtney."

In that moment Jason and Courtney connected. It felt as if they were finally reunited after being separated from each other for months. They kissed softly and enwrapped themselves in a huge hug. Jason released from the hug and looked at Emily's tomb.

"Goodbye Em and thank you." He whispered.

As Jason and Courtney turned to walk back to their, Jason grabbed Courtney's hand and held it tight the rest of the way home.