Journey Online

She made her way toward the tall brown brick building. Standing before the cement steps she didn’t move. She hated this place. It was a mockery of everything that she believed in. It was corrupt and twisted it was the perfect home for him. She sighed before taking the steps quickly and entering into the PCPD. The gray walls made her heart sink a little and she swallowed hard finding it a little hard to breathe.

Jason watched her go inside from across the street. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What the hell was she doing here? He asked himself.

She waited patiently in the small square room. She sat at the table her hands clasped in front of her. Her stance was tense and rigid. She let her eyes roam around the place. She had only been in this room once. When her and her mother had been arrested and they were brought down for questioning and she had to sit here and be interrogated. It seemed that since then the room had gotten smaller. She knew it was all in her mind but still she couldn’t help but feel confined. She knew why Jason refused to be locked up. It was a horrible feeling. Just then the door opened and a guard came in leading A.J. behind him. She looked up and their eyes met instantly.

He was donned in prison denims and his hands were cuffed in front of him. His dark brown hair was shorter now and he was a little thinner. He gave her a small hesitant smile as the guard sat him down across from her before exiting. He sighed deeply looking into her blue eyes. They were still as clear as the ocean in his mind. "Hey." He said his voice soft.

She didn’t reply at first. All she could do was look at him, her ex-husband the murderer. She swallowed hard. "What do you want A.J.?" She asked trying to remain detached.

He cleared his throat. "Just to see you… I knew that you would come." He stated.

She shook her head and let a humorless laugh escape her lips. "Why is that?"

"Because… you know the reason why I’m here is because of you." He replied reaching out and grabbing her hands softly.

She pulled away. "Don’t touch me." She remarked shaking her head. "And how is any of this my fault? You killed Luis."

"So what!" She retorted. "You are not going to stand there and blame this on me. I didn’t ask you to go and kill Luis. I never told you that I wanted him dead! You made that choice and that is on you."

He nodded. "So then why are you here?" He asked rhetorically. "You’re here because you know that what I’m saying is the truth… I love you." He replied.

She shook her head. "Don’t!"

"It’s true… I love you and it’s because of that love that I did this." He sighed looking down at his shackled wrists. "You know there are women in this world… they come into your lives and they change it completely. They show you how your life could be and they brighten it… and you never once think about what it could be like if they ever left because that’s not a possibility. You love them and they trust you and that’s all you think you will ever need… Women like you, men believe are blessings but they aren’t. This person who gives you a reason to live… you never once imagine that they could take it away. Not until it happens." He sighed deeply brushing the tears out of his eyes. "My love for you makes me a desperate man because that’s the kind of woman that you are. That’s what you do Courtney. You are the very worst kind of woman because you make men believe that you can change their lives and make them better but you can’t. And so they do these stupid, crazy things for you, or because of you." He whispered staring up into her eyes now a distinct watery blue.

"Stop." She whispered not wanting to believe in his words.

"It’s true. You will never be happy because every man that you care about. Every man that you love or loves you back will end up just like me, behind bars or worst you know."

"That’s not true."

"No? Why did Jason leave the country?"

"Because they thought that he murdered Luis, when in actuality you did it!" She fired back angrily.

"Why was he there in the first place? What did he go to that hotel room to do? You know he went there to kill Luis. You know this and you know why!" He stated.

"I don’t want to hear this!" She went to stand when he reached out and grabbed her hand.

"You know that he went there for you… yeah maybe Sonny gave the order or something but you know that was because of you too. Luis hurt his baby sister and Sonny had to be vindicated!"

"Luis hurt Carly and Sonny and Brenda and Jason. If Jason went after him then he went after him because of those reasons not because of me." She defended yanking her hand out of his grip and taking a step back. She wiped at her tears angrily.

He smirked at her. "You know you’ve never lied to me before… Jason went to that hotel room that night probably on Sonny’s orders but we both know that it was the thought of you… lying in that hospital bed, waiting for you to wake up, that fueled him to kill Luis."

"Yeah only because I got there first! Courtney you don’t get it. I killed Luis for you just like Jason would have done. And here I am because I fell into the trap of loving you. It’s the same trap that Jason will fall into and Sonny and your father! Because there is this need inside people to protect you because you are so innocent and so pure. People look at you and think, ‘God what would I do if something ever happened to her?’ So they bend over backwards and forget rational thought and do the unthinkable… for you. They kill; they go on the run. They lie and they cheat but in the end it’s always the same. They end up losing their life and you end up staying that same pure innocent woman. I hope that you enjoy it. Because you are going to hurt every person that loves you." His voice was soft holding no malice.

She stood there staring at him, her heart in her throat and fresh tears in her eyes. How was it possible that he could do this? How could he still have the power to hurt her after all this time? She refused to blink afraid that she wouldn’t be able to stop crying. "Don’t ever, ever call me or try and contact me again!" She said defiantly.

"Fine… but think about what I said." He said getting up and knocking on the door. A moment later the guard came in and escorted him away.

Placing her head in her hands she sat there feeling the tears spill onto her cheeks. Her breathing came in shallow breaths as she tried to fight his hurtful words.

A.J. looked up as he was led back to his cell and smirked at Jason who stood by an officer’s desk. "Look at us… if this isn’t the most ironic thing to date, I don’t know what it is. We’re at a police station and for the first time I’m the one wearing the handcuffs and you’re the one walking around like the innocent citizen of Port Charles." He laughed humorlessly. "You know I wouldn’t get to use to the idea of this concept, you never know when your luck might change." He raised his eyebrows as the guard led him back to his cell.

He watched A.J. until his form was out of sight. He turned back just as Courtney emerged from the room. Looking up her eyes met his instantly. His icy blues melted at the sight of her. Walking over to him she brushed at her tears absently. "What are you doing here?" She asked her voice cracking with emotion.

He sighed wanting to reach out to her. "Let’s go somewhere and talk."

She stared at him for a moment not understanding but trusting him anyway. He gestured with his hand and she led the way out of the PCPD.

Chapter Seven: Holding Back

They walked the entire way to the docks in silence. The soft summer wind blew through her hair and only when they stopped at the docks did he turn to her. Brushing the hair behind her ears she raised her eyebrows. "What were you doing following me?" She asked.

"What were you doing at the PCPD with A.J.?" He retorted.

She sighed. "I asked you first." She replied and all he did was shrug as a response. "Oh so you want me to answer your question but you won’t answer mine." She remarked. There was a moment of silence that passed between them before she relented. "I went to the PCPD because A.J. called me and asked me to come."

"He wanted to talk."

"About what?" He didn’t waste time beating around the bush that wasn’t his style and he knew that Courtney understood that.

"About why he killed Luis… he wanted me to know that he did it for me… because of me." She whispered softly, looking out into the distance watching as the sun began to sink lower into the horizon.

Jason sighed deeply running one of his hands across his face before letting it join the other that was resting lazily on his hip. He should have known that A.J. would pull something like this. It was just like him to try and blame everyone around him for his mistakes. This was the A.J. he was accustomed to dealing with.

"Courtney listen to me… You are not to blame for what A.J. decides to do with his life."

She shook her head not bothering to look at him. "You can’t do it this time Jason."

Sighing deeply she continued. "You can’t fix it! You can’t stand there and tell me that A.J. is lying because he isn’t… I did this." She stated softly. "I ruined his life."

Closing the gap between them he reached out and grabbed her forearm turning her around to face him. "Listen to me. You are not responsible for the stupid things that A.J. does. He made the choice to go after Alcazar. He made the choice to kill him and now he has to pay for it."

"But it was because of him loving me and what I made him believe in… he said that I inspired him." She emphasized the word, ‘inspired’ with a humorless laugh. "Loving me, made him so desperate. He needed to protect me because that’s what I do… I make men, everyone that I care about feel the need to protect me. No matter what it costs them… I do that." She stated brokenly.

He stood there looking down into her tear-filled eyes not understanding why she was letting A.J.’s words get to her. He had never seen this side of her before… "Courtney, loving you doesn’t make a man weak or irrational. Loving you makes him stronger and a better man. Look at what you did for Mike and Sonny… Look at what you do for me." His words were quiet almost a whisper.

Looking into him she could see how he felt and it scared her. "You don’t love me anymore though. Which is so much the better for you." She replied.

Taking her by the other arm he ran his hands up and down her skin. "Listen to me… I am a better man when I am with you… but I am at my best… when I’m loving you."

Staring up into his eyes she caught her breath almost afraid to believe in what he was saying. She didn’t move and she refused to blink as he leaned down slowly coming dangerously close to her. She didn’t stop it and only at the last possible moment did she close her eyes and waited for his kiss.

He moved in wanting to feel her lips beneath his own. Everything was right about this moment. There was no rain, no intrusions, it was just them two. He watched as she closed her eyes and waited and it wasn’t until the last moment that he pulled back. He stepped back and put distance between them needing to think.

She felt the absence of him and opened her eyes. She saw him standing there staring at her with wide blue eyes. She bit her lower lip not understanding what had just happened. "Jason… what’s wrong?" She asked.

He shook his head. "We uh… need to get to dinner. Sonny’s waiting." He began to walk past her when she reached out and grabbed his arm.

"Jason please…" She began but he shook his head.

"Courtney don’t." His voice was soft and his eyes pleaded with her.

She sighed dropping her hand and with it the subject. "Okay." She said shaking her head. "If that’s what you want." She replied. Turning all the way around she led the way to the penthouse.